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Portland needs a war.

Roger Alfred, Presidential timber to be sure, is better suited for now to serve as America’s Mayor by launching a Williams/Vancouver Corridor-based pre-emptive strike against Japan. ISIL, while currently all the rage, is a collection of one-off serial killers that will eventually run out of enough stolen oil to fund their operations on the ground and enough virgins in the afterlife to lure enough teenage dandies away from their Sony PlayStation and pent-up lust for the boy next door to sustain itself. Japanese designs on Portland are the far greater threat.

And as something of a last Last Samurai, Esq., as well as a longtime advisor to Alfred, dare I say future aide-de-camp, I am uniquely aware of the existential crisis facing the homeland. I have broken rice with the enemy, seen said enemy approaching from The South, heard tell of all manner of illegal trafficking and local trade to finance their future attacks and know of at least one safe-craftsman now operating within a 95% walking score of the proposed American Mayor’s forward operating base itself. Is it any wonder  I will do everything in my power to  sweep this man into office? More guns, Portlanders, less gravy! LESS HASH!

Roger Alfred for Mayor