Trump is a shit-spewing political carny interested only in increasing brand recognition at the public expense and that brand is impervious to the shitpile it leaves everywhere in its wake because the brand is, in fact, the very narcissistic, self-sustaining shitpile itself painted gold and made attractive to bottom feeders and those who don’t know any better the world over. The only way to counter it is to shame all who support it by accepting a ticket, free or otherwise, be it honest man suckered off the street or media snake on assignment, and taking a ride on the shiny, steaming heap.

The Shitlist (a.k.a. Let a Thousand FUCK YOU$ Bloom)

1000. Call me Ishmael, Mr. Miller.

999. Wait for it  –

998. Akita names are Zero and K.

997. Like Bowie a little ahead of him, The Most Interesting Man in the World is a master of timing.

996. Never say ‪#‎NeverTrump‬.

995. Love is not listening to two increasingly loyal Akitas Akita-speak in between jugular drills with 1% of Indiana precincts reporting.

994. Lou Holtz tells students in South Bend that a President Trump would be the best thing to happen to this country since McDonald’s introduced the Shamrock Shake in 1970.

993. With the GOP nomination a virtual wrap, Trump shoots one more for safety by insinuating that relatives of Ted Cruz killed The Romanovs.

992. Everybody wants to own the end of the world instead of Andrew Sullivan.

991. Whisking an imperfect matcha as part of a new Akita curse on Trump.

990. The Snark Knight

989. Kobe Bryant blood bag Byron Scott fired by Lakers after overheard calling #24 even more of a ball-hogging media vampire than Trump.

988. Sunday Funday in Southern California involving some twenty-five thousand aggrieved patriots talking shit about Turkey instead of Trump while totally screwing up my ten-minute scoot to the tennis courts.

987. Same super obedient fascist sniffing Akita that chased off suspect vaper last week now pissing on the driver side door of CAA tool’s leased 911 convertible while tool is accusing man just trying to make ends meet at valet stand of stealing his aviators.

986. TMZ tour van narrowly evades two Trump-hating ancient Japanese mountain dogs in vicious pursuit while stuck behind Tesla Model S making an illegal left turn onto Vista between the hours of 4 to 7 pm.

985. Anti-Trump Akita violence escalating in L.A.

984. Trump tweets there will never be another Chyna.

983. Trump dickster Roger Stone to unveil new Andrew Jackson tramp stamp tonight on Hannity.

982. The more aloof of my two young Akita rescues aggressively retrained to guard forever home and business against anyone in possible support of Trump just took off across Melrose to attack some vaper wearing a KISS ARMY T-shirt.

981. Big Gulp Values

980. Rex Ryan has the man tits to match an off-the-field intellect of a tackle sled.

979. No Pulitzer for Shitsplaining.

978. Top scientists say recent string of deadly earthquakes along the Ring of Fire foreshadow an end to Trump-Kelly truce.

977. Multiple sightings being reported on Saturday afternoon of Eric Trump on the verge of overdose while stumbling around disguised as a giant wasp and looking for a luxurious place to shit at Coachella 2016.

976. National Basketball Association approves selling jersey sponsorship patches to anyone not associated with Donald Sterling or a racially incendiary billionaire even more abhorrent, like Trump.

975. An eye for Ivanka.

974. Make America Lakers Again!

973. Trump anoints himself America’s Mamba.

972. Andy Kirn for CA District 28 Delegate Equals Karmic Terrorism Against Trump and Other Forces of Infinite Darkness.

971. Are Trump and Kobe over yet?

970. Opening a new line of Twitter attack against the GOP establishment guard preparing to wrestle the nomination away from him, Trump accuses former Speaker of the House Denny Hastert and the Washington chorus of silence surrounding him of naked Catholicism.

969. Tyler Summitt sticking with Trump.

968. Demoted Trump Campaign misogynist goon Corey Lewandowski apparently told Vince Neil that Nicolas Cage called him a spandex-loving fairy while drinking heavily together in Las Vegas.

967. The Cheese Thickens

966. Trump declares undeserving 7’6 center Yao Ming entering the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame an act of war.

965. Maniacs rally around a maniac to stop a maniac in Wisconsin, a.k.a. The Forward State.

964. The Trumpisher

963. FBI mystery hack of San Bernardino shooter Syed Farook’s iPhone links Trump Campaign Manager Corey Lewandowski to Grim Sleeper Lonnie Franklin, Jr, a bin man believed by some to have murdered as many as 180 women and dumped their bodies in a landfill and other locations across Los Angeles over a 25-year period beginning in the mid eighties.

963. Fuck Trump AND Coach K.

962. Only five affairs, according to Trump, including no mention of an imaginary sixth with your own daughter, is unpresidential.

961. Trump loves Christian Laettner.

960. Trump calls for some more stupid shit that will never happen even if he becomes Supreme Leader for Life in response to Brussels attacks.

959. Let Rob Ford lead Trump home.

958. Chachi added to Celebrity Death Wish.

957. Fox News also says Trump has an extreme, sick obsession with the Richard Gere gerbil thing.

956. Surface to Hair Pro 4 targeting Trump.

955. America needs a new Unabomber.

954. Raise a pint to all the snakes in Ireland magically reappearing on Trump’s plane.

953. Pleased to have never heard of and know nothing about Adam LaRoche other than he sounds like another intolerable bible-beating homeschooler with a corked bat for Trump.

952. March Trumpness

951. Rhymes with mullet.

950. So schlong, Senator Rubio.

949. Kasich has surely smoked the best weed before the most concerts of the remaining three faces of evil, making him, by default, the lesser evil.

948. Only Kawhi Leonard can save America.

947. Both of my new Akita rescues can now tear the entire head off a crash test Trump supporter in under twenty seconds.

946. Someone who talks to Jesus Christ should tell him to tell Dr. Ben Carson to take one for the the team and fake his own kidnapping or death or something involving a disappearance from television for a while until he figures out how he really feels about being just another unpaid prostitute for Trump and the dumbest way to write a new biography about it.

945. Norwegian mass killer gives Nazi salute to Trump in court.

944. NFL acknowledges link between CTE and Trump voters in Florida.

943. Todd Palin’s latest suicide attempt by high speed snow machine fail unsuccessful, prompting Trump promotional tweet.

942. Ann Coulter keeps diminishing the definition and demeaning the value of a good clean hate fuck because it would be impossible for anyone to fuck her any other way.

941. Charlie Hustle slides head first into the sewer, otherwise known as Trump’s base.

940. Where the Devil is Trump when the Second Amendment unequivocally states Obama had no business letting the Serbs confiscate my Hellfires?

939. The upside of Trump building his own Waffen-SS out on the campaign trail is he’s clearly siphoning off some potential school shooters from the cafeteria and redirecting other random mass killers to assemble in large arenas mainly among each other should they need to scratch an itch.

938. Make McLean County, more specifically Ouzo and Pabst Blue Ribbon-fueled God Bless America Karaoke at The Merna Tap I still can’t remember performing 20 years ago despite the pictures existing from a pretty hot at the time German MFA student turned professional photographer of some renown to prove it, Great Again!

937. Instant lifetime loser award to anyone cheering an overwrought private plane land that isn’t carrying Led Zeppelin in the early to mid seventies.

936. The only thing dickier than being a secret Trump sympathizer in West Hollywood is attending the same West Hollywood dinner party with Brett Easton Ellis where it was never discussed and didn’t happen.

935. Bloomington-Normal, Illinois is now apparently Trump Country, among other things.

934. Upping the ante in the channeling of Adolph Hitler probably won’t end very well for all involved.

933. Rubio Wavers on Overt Race War

932. Hog Butcher for the World to the Rescue

931. Let them eat brats.

930. Cait has proved to be an even dumber, cheese board Republican bitch than Bruce.

929. Dr. Ben Carson to endorse toast and coffee for breakfast this Friday and write a book about it with God’s blessing.

928. What celebrity beat off will endorse Trump tomorrow?

927. John Voight buys retirement safe house in Buenos Aires.

926. Horrified by horrifying Trump, horrific Fiorina endorses horrid Cruz.

925. Mitch and Murray from downtown work for Trump.

924. Fourth prize is fascism.

923. A round of itsy bitsy third fingers and miniature applause for all those losers in Michigan and Mississippi.

922. Terrified by the prospect of tape measures and penlights in the current political environment, former man about town Michael Bloomberg wisely decides not to return to public life.

921. Those who would rather stay home and watch Hitler specials repeatedly on the History Channel than ask some chick from the office to dinner with an eye toward getting laid are destined to vote for Trump.


919. Trump impersonator Lou Dobbs wears his wife’s clothes whenever she’s out fucking the horses.

918. Show me one word in the Bible, Trump said during a golf tournament on Sunday, against waterboarding or talking about the size of your own stump instead of denouncing a domestic terrorist organization that supports you with a fondness for hanging people from trees and lighting them on fire.

917. Auto-Erotic-Ivankulation

916. We are not a collection of red states and blue states, we are pathetic fat asses sprinkling sugar on our cereal for dinner.

915. Helter Cruz v. Trump Skelter (or vice versa).

914. EU Officials alarmed by the rise of stock car racing across Europe.

913. SNL might want to include itself in the Nazi shits and giggles routine next time for ever having this hideous cunt host the show when it was already well beyond obvious who they were coddling.

912. Trump and Cruz rear-naked choke Rubio out.

911. Psych ward Christian soldiers.

910. The ghost of micropenis past.

909. Trump confesses during his Nazi salute of allegiance I’ve never done this before and it’s such a tiny hard-on they’ll have to kill me to stop.

908. Raise your right hand and shit-eat after me.

907. Hellhounds don’t lie about Trump.

906. Super Saturday wishes for an aggressive colon cancer protocol supervised by Harold N. Bernstein, M.D., F.A.C.G. be visited upon Les Moonves of CBS.

905. Trump dyed for our sins.

904. Midnight in the Japanese Garden of Good and Two Trump Stickers on the Back of a Toyota Prius.

903. Trump is the enemy in a clown costume who, Dog willing, will eventually fall victim to self-defeat with shit shoveled on top from all quarters along the way, but Dr. Ben Carson can’t even die right.

902. It’s not raining today in certain parts of Oregon and Trump is still a psychotic fucking American mental Fukishima in the making.

901. Buried knife found on O.J. Simpson’s property should be sharpened and shined before being used to stab Trump through the heart.

900. Inciting civil war from Northeast Portland is the new moving to Canada.

899. If it all comes down to talking dick size to gun-fucking Christians, I could have been a contender.

898. Frank Luntz is suggesting Trump needs to whip it out on stage March 10th in Miami, Florida or primary voters may start to question his conservative bona fides.

897. Remember how poor taste trashy it was to Republicans when Bill Clinton talked boxers or briefs on MTV?

896. Make it last forever, Megyn Kelly.

895. Thank you, Donald J. Trump, thank you, President Trump, Commander-in-Chief Trump, God King Trump, Immortal Trump, Trump, thank you for making this the greatest night of my televised American life.

895. And they will ask, where were you when he said it?

893. And again.

892. Play it again, Trump.

891. Pass the opiates.

890. And then there were four.

889. Wayne LaPierre presents Melania Trump with her own monogrammed bazooka as a show of the NRA’s commitment to protecting women’s rights.

888. That cry you don’t hear is a carrion call to draft the capitalist vulture who lost to a black guy last time.

887. Trump is Chief of Police, Coroner, District Attorney, Judge, Jury, Jailer and Executioner all cast into one in some smoked cheddar recurring drama series about prosecuting the Republican Party for continuous attempts to skirt the law of unintended consequences.

886.  Mitt the butter knife.

885. Enough with the bogus empathetic think pieces on the white working class being fucked over for so long by corporate backed political elites of both parties that finding their voice in an asswipe like Trump makes a certain amount of sense, blah, blah blow me – no, fuck you and them – rather than scribble any more apologia for folks you wouldn’t spend five seconds of your spare time with, shit should be rained down mercilessly on any individual adult American human being with a name, a pulse and an ID that allows them the opportunity to freely elect a person charged with national and international responsibilities that far exceed their own short side of the stick, reality TV preferences and very existence, for that matter, that would pull a lever along with their own dick (strap-ons included) for Donald J. Trump.

884. Trump rises 10 points in the national polls after retweeting Coach Jerry Sandusky attacks on Mexicans, gang-bangers, the Obama administration, undercooked chicken-fried steak and other concerns from the state pen.

883. Will Minnesota’s big winner Marco Rubio and the GOP drag kings keeping him warm come to understand nobody beats a pig in a shit eating contest before tomorrow night’s Ag Fair in Detroit?

882. Rumors running rampant that Romney is lacing up his mittens to show the bully du jour no one can tarnish the reputation of The United States Olympic Committee so long as he’s no longer relevant.

881. Why wouldn’t all Republicans be ready to unify around Trump?

880. Countries, composed of people, can turn batshit from time to time.

879. In the future, Americans will pick their favorite brand and model number of television for President and gun for Vice President.

878. That vote you just cast for Trump, should you be doubly dumb enough to admit it, now defines you as a deviant down through the rest of your small, insular, pathetically tragic excuse for a life.

877. Sinclair Lewis crushing it.

876. Historically speaking, self annihilation is nothing new.

875. The sound of Baby Hitler’s balls dropping.

874. A super shitfaced George W. Bush is swinging his 9/11 bullhorn around the Waco ranch shouting Trump sucks and so does Jesus.

874. Teaching a second Akita to kill indiscriminately just in case.

873. The best worst feature of Surreal Tuesday is the simpleton fact that all these followers of Trump flocking to the polls, many for the first time, who just love the way he plays the media and political establishment cesspool for the shit flutes they truly are for some bizarre reason seem to believe that he’s not playing them, the voters, even louder.

872. New Model Wife Army

871. Who taught all these idiots to read and drive, so they could vote?

870. Trump the Condor

869. Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee tells MSNBC that Trump is not a triple-wide dumb fucking Southern racist who patterns his life after a cartoon that never happened two thousand years ago.


867. What’s taking Jimmy Connors so long to endorse Trump?

866. Trump strongly disavows notion that the size and shape of a man’s fingers mean anything more than that.

865. Spotwhite

864. Forrest Trump

863. Oscars = Trump

862. The rigorous training of rescued Akita pup to attack the carotid artery of anything she smells could support Trump now or at any time in the future is progressing smoothly.

861. Why is Aaron Carter reminding us he’s still alive?

860. Retired American brain surgeon Dr. Ben Carson strikes a novel deal to officially throw his support behind master American negotiator Trump while remaining an active candidate in the race.

859. Fossilized prehistoric poisonous desert reptile unearthed in Arizona endorses Northeastern prehistoric rabid boar for President.

858. Trump promises to kill Common Core by way of decentralizing our education system to make it great again like Denmark, Sweden, China and Norway.

857. Why do all of Trump’s children resemble creepy life-sized dolls placed inside those model homes they used for testing atomic bombs in the Southwest back in the fifties?

856. Offer Code Melania144

855. Los Angeles so incredibly lame and Trumplike over Oscar weekend.

854. As preposterous and fraudulent as anything coined a Trump University is on its face, anyone crying over being conned out of $35K for enrolling in such douchery to get rich quick deserves to be S.O.L.

853. The only thing shittier than Trump, with or without the bundling of some wannabe mafia blob from Jersey, is my shitty AT&T U-Verse Cable and High-speed Internet Provider.

852. Don’t stop believin’.

851. More dangerous buffoonery reflecting all the way around America’s hall of hellish mirrors, with Cruz political evil incarnate, Rubio camped out in the closet, Kasich a Milk Dud stuck to the bottom of your shoe after the movies, Trump personal repulsivity and hypocrisy scores impossible to beat while Dr. Ben Carson remains totally insignificant beyond his own story unto himself and the biggest fraud of the bunch.

850. Primary debate take away is Trump’s hands are so tiny troll he can’t even palm a dead tennis ball.

849. Wolf Blitzer needs to be sedated, tagged and relocated to some sparsely populated national park where he can’t terrorize folks with mediocrity any further.

848. George H.W. Bush reminded dutifully by Barbara Bush he could still have them all killed with one phone call.

847. Kasich drops trou, “Micro this!”

846. Draw real blood and sever limbs or fuck off.

845. Another CNN Snuff Film

844. . . . thing we have to Trump is Trump Trumpself.

843. Romney’s magic G-string too tight if he thinks anyone cares about Trump’s tax returns at this point.

842. Chickens coming home to a Hitchcock film.

841. Anyone who has ever voted Republican for anything, ever, cannot escape some measure of responsibility for the horror.

840. Delonte West reportedly found trying to caucus for Trump in Reno.

839. Grand Old Vegas Shit Show

838. Trump and Loathing

837. Trump Crisis Center Transcript

836. Trump Campaign floating The General from thegeneral.com as a possible running mate.

835. Deadline reports Trump circling Third Reich reboot.

834. Go set a watchman to keep the drone coordinates dialed in on Trump.

833. The Voting Trump

832. If recurring hemorrhoid Glenn Beck is serious about hunger striking for Ted Cruz, I will put a Trump sign in the front yard and leave it there until every one of his major organs fails and he is pronounced dead by a judge in Texas named Cinderella, autopsy not required.

831. Trump announces he is suspending reality indefinitely.

830. Rich Mormon Robot endorses Trump by endorsing Robotic Puss in Boots.

829. When the Levee Trumps

828. Just catching up here on more studies (sponsored) showing coffee is really good for you, like can undo all the liver damage and blood sugar problems caused by drinking it, interspersed with Trump winning another primary and the latest developments concerning Peyton Manning sticking his junk in somebody’s face twenty years ago.

827. Trump scolds the media for consistently overestimating the intelligence of the American people during SC victory speech to a chorus of rabid grunts and applause.

826. Trump pledges to make Mexico pay for Scalia exhumation and autopsy.

825. !

824. Building my own wall.

823. The Devil went down to Georgia because there are too many dumbass crackers in South Carolina.

822. Inglourious Basterds Out of Carolina.

821. Umberto Eco was a good friend of mine, Trump says to CNN’s Anderson Cooper, and I knew him very well, as he lived in Trump Tower and was a big fan of many of our other properties.

820. Trump calls for the televised beheading of Tim Cook.

819. Harper Lee is the reason I became a racist, Trump tells supporters in Greenville, South Carolina.

818. Paraphrasing an old Indian proverb as passed down through Tippi Strickland Watson, Trump rises to the bottom.

817. Trump claims to be in possession of evidence the current Pope was not born in the United States.

816. Pope Francis says Trump is not a cocksman.

815. Unlike, say, a Supreme Court Justice or any other political figure for sale, Trump swears he would never accept a free vacation from a friend, anonymous or otherwise, because he has none.

814. During an MSNBC Town Hall in Charleston, South Carolina tonight, Trump hinted at the possibility that Scalia is still alive and living out an opera fantasy in Argentina.

813. Trump Called Malice

812. Melania Trump retweeting America. is Chekhovian magick.

811. The Trumpholm Syndrome

810. Trump offers Kanye West $53 million to publicly accept it.

809. Trump tweets at assface impersonator Johnny Depp that he wouldn’t know a real vampire from Captain Jack Hollywood Jackoff even if he won The New Hampshire Primary.

808. Trump declares Kendrick Lamar a direct threat to national security requiring immediate and overwhelming police action.

807. An inconsolable Adele lashes out in irrational-red-hot-undirected rage at a cruel, indifferent world that is rarely just and never fair by violently retweeting the latest Republican poll results from South Carolina as if her own.

806. Trump is a tribute to Lionel Richie.

805. Scalia died dry sodomizing his pillow, which, unless you’re a Trump-loving Alex Jones listener, is conspiracy enough.

804. Trump wins the Grammy for best live performance of talking shit to losers.

803. W. endorses Trump among Republicans by opening his mouth in public.

802. Trump to sue Cruz for being born just as much of an asshole as he is.

801. Trump calls black kettle Cruz dangerously unstable and the single biggest liar he’s ever seen.

800. 2016 All-Star Kobefest Posterizes Trump Jumping A Whale Shark.

799. Holding firm to his refreshing criticism of George W. Bush, Trump continues to confound pundits and GOP operatives by stating the obvious to everyone else that the former President has the intellect of a golf ball.

798. Trump says he saddened to learn the great Peyton Manning violated NCAA rules by siring at least half a dozen prized race horses during summers off while a star quarterback for The University of Tennessee.

797. Scalia autopsy shows signs of existential anxiety over Trump.

796. Trump releases a glossy link to him having campaign sex with wife Melania inside a luxury helicopter for fans on Valentines Day.

795. Jeb! calls bullshit on Trump’s claim he could dunk a volleyball in high school.

794. Try to erase from your active imagination the sight, sound and smell of Trump as Nikolai v. Cruz, et al. in exact costume reenacting the sauna scene from EASTERN PROMISES.

793. Trump boldly refuses to beg applause from drunk Republicans by agreeing George W. Bush belongs on Mount Rushmore.

792. Palmetto State debate audience boos Trump over his failure to join other candidates in blaming President Obama for 9/11 attacks.

791. Trump promises, if elected, he will Make America Great Again! by building a machine to bring Reagan back to life complete with a .38 in his briefcase.

790. Eight is enough, Trump says of the Supreme Court during Saturday night’s debate.

789. Shame about Justice Scalia, Trump tweets before taking the stage in South Carolina, but let me assure all conservatives over this long Presidents’ Day weekend that I get more pussy than Ryan Reynolds and Tucker Carlson combined.

788. Dick Cheney gang joke Trump interlude.

787. Trump is the psychological equivalent of fracking.

786. Pope Francis confirms in Spanish that voting for Trump will make you blind.

785. Trump fans in Tampa, Florida break old Elton John records after learning he’s a flaming queen.

784. Vape if you love Trump!

783. Trump promises young South Carolina volunteers he has a full proof plan to prevent further premature limb amputations due to diabetes because he has all the best people in the world working for him.

782. Eric Trump announces new upscale tattoo removal franchise to begin operations in the fall.

781. If it sounds too much like the smell of municipal solid waste to be true it must be Trump.

780. Softcore instead of hardcore is disgusting.

779. Trump correctly notes Ted Cruz is such an amateur and unpopular loser he can’t even hire a real porn star for his campaign productions.

778. There is no guiltier pleasure of late than watching Ivanka How To Caucus Videos with one hand on the smart mobile device.

777. Americans can’t trust Hillary, Trump tweets in the middle of the Milwaukee Democratic Debate, nor can we afford to elect Bernie Sanders the first radical black panther female president.

776. Trump guarantees to be wide awake and having hotter sex in the White House at 3:00 a.m, should the call come, than any president since Abraham Lincoln.

775. Secretary Kissinger was a serious cockhound in his day, according to Trump.

774. Lots of white people talking about black people benefits Trump.

773. Despite Trump being the most amazing man who ever lived, nut wing Assemblywoman and calendar girl Michele Fiore counsels patience among her constituents planning to caucus for him in the upcoming Nevada contest in that he will need to finish building a wall all the way around America with barbed wire on top once in office before he can reasonably be expected to tunnel the Bundy klan out of Oregon State Prison.

772. The life of Pablo will be taken away if he tries to enter the country under President Trump.

771. Petty criminal David Fry of Blanchester, Ohio, the last remaining rancher-patriot who never ranched a patriotic day in his life holdout in Birdlandia, says he doesn’t give two vulture shits about Franklin Graham or some political hack flown in him from Nevada and that he’s not leaving the sanctuary alive unless Melania Trump hand-delivers a large Hawaiian Punch from Track Town Pizza in Eugene wearing nothing but a fur American flag and thigh high snowmobile boots.

770. America’s favorite rancher Cliven Bundy offers to assemble and train Trump his own personal army of unemployed imbeciles in exchange for posting bail.

769. Trump “The Body” Ace Ventura

768. Trump tells a supporter and sworn enemy of the United States Government in Clemson, South Carolina he would need to study the issue and have his people take a look at it before agreeing to sign a petition being circulated by compatriots outside the event calling for the posthumous pardon of Timothy McVeigh.

767. Trump is now referring to new BFF Christie as Governor Alejandro Sosa on the stump and almost everybody loves it.

766. It’ Can’t Happen Here, Until it Does.

765. #OscarsSoWhiteLameAndAntiquatedLikeIowaAndNewHampshire

764. Repeating a line from last night, Trump tells an audience even dumber in SC that he could have prevented the carnage in Paris by attracting every Muslim asshole in the world with a gun and a dream to come here instead.

763. Jared Kushner’s family by birth formerly disowned him today with a full-page announcement purchased in the Real Estate section of The New York Times.

762. Every Republican parent of a teenage heroin addict in New Hampshire is hopeful and excited for the first time in a long time to learn of this fantastic, so easy-to-build wall going up along the Southern U.S. border.

761. Was the joke over when the Germans bombed Sag Harbor?

760. Everything Putin can do I can do better.

759. Dr. Ben Carson sends Trump a message using all available social media platforms congratulating him on the big win last night and letting him know Jesus just told him on his way downstairs to get some coffee to remain humble, keep selling books and make himself available for VP.

758. Fiorina officially no longer no longer a factor in preventing the GOP from nominating someone for President even more intolerable and despicable than herself.

757. Give me liberty, or give me death, or give me Instagram posts of Trump flying home the victor with his Aryan photo shoot for a family on a private Boeing 757.

756. North Korea reportedly executes Army Chief of Staff for criticizing results of the New Hampshire Republican Primary.

755. The Christie residence receives a not so anonymous care package including several dozen pies and cakes from an assortment of New York’s finest bakeries with a card thanking the Governor for the Jersey worthy hit he put on Miami featherweight Rubio.

754. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) Delegate Scavenger Hunt.

753. Deadpool, SC

752. Instant Spurs Fan For Life.

751. Sanders getting a little Trumpy with it if actually serious about meeting with The Reverend Al.

750. Trump puts the death in buzzkill, but Governor Kasich still owes me weed money from 1987.

749. Trumptin’ a Fool v. Bernie’s Top 5 Plays Under the Rim.

748. Spectre

747. Hall & Oates announce a summer tour, Trump wins NH and a butterfly chews off its own wings to try and help.

746. Inciting incident.

745. Channeling that time I saw a man choke to death on his food.

744. Calling all lone gunmen.

743. Christie takes one for Team America.

742. Granite State Republicans begin assembling wall along the Canadian border in celebration of making an international fool of themselves.

741. Count Fuckula

740. Full Retardi Gras

739. Amazing weather in Southern California today so frozen backwater New Hampshire can live free, fuck off and die hard.

738. Moderately sane rich man by comparison who once tied a dog to the top of his car and believes in religious underwear to sell vacation home in state he held dear to his tin heart until Tuesday night.

737. Trump frantically retweeting Kanye West’s tweet declaring BILL COSBY INNOCENT !!!!!!!!!! as fast as his stubby little dick fingers can tweet right up until the polls close in New Hampshire.

736. Eat, Prey, Trump.

735. Madam Secretary Madeleine Albright distances herself from Gloria Steinem, if not Trump, by reminding democrats she has a rolodex full of black ops killers with no problem eliminating women and children whenever necessary.

734. Eric Trump says waterboarding is no different than using grandpa’s money to pay a hooker to piss in his mouth.

733. Trump/Ranadivé 2016.

732. Sacramento losers decide not to fire Karl after saying he would be fired before the All-Star Break in order to further antagonize Boogie Cousins and show their support for Trump.

731. Ghostface Killah against Trump.

730. Every last yes man hired by Trump and haunted by shame swears he’s invincible.

729. Exit polls seem to be saying Hillary is a know-it-all a lot of women don’t like as much as their favorite old sociology professor and Trump appeals to men incapable of thinking beyond a third grade level.

728. In a final message for citizens of New Hampshire to be delivered via massive media buy starting at 6:00 am and running all day tomorrow, Trump promises that if he is elected President all NBA coaches will be fired immediately, if they haven’t been let go mid-season already, the league terminated, with assets seized and redistributed to police and military veterans.

727. Bill Clinton is getting a little old and Trumpy.

726. Dix(sounds like)ville Trump.

725. Captive wolves recently relocated back into the wild form packs and fight for leadership position in preparing to maul Trump and his entire entourage to death during a tentatively scheduled stop in rural Nevada later this month if his vampirical campaign lasts that long.

724. Trump attacks fellow cop-fetishizer Giuliani for attacking Beyoncé before he did.

723. I see white people.

722. Trump calls Cruz a pussy and himself a magnet for such before a live audience, which is why America remains, despite a few bad apples, the greatest country exclusively ordained as indispensable by God on earth.

721. Trump suggests Rubio is a user of multiple face creams and night moisturizer on the eve of tomorrow’s important vote.

720. Shut up or I’ll kill us both, especially if Trump wins New Hampshire.

719. To ring in the New Year of the Republican Primary Ape, Trump details via tweet how he will use politically laundered Mexican drug money to purchase Chinese prison slaves to build America a Great Moroccan Wall made of gold.

718. Michigan makes anyone entering the state with Trump subject to 15 years in prison.

717. Trump says he will look any Syrian child in the eye and show them the latest iPhone.

716. Make America Great Again with Kurt Rambis as new interim Knicks coach.

715. Univision is reporting Carolina’s Ron Rivera just had Jorge Ramos physically tossed out of the Tenderloin strip club he’s currently fucked up in beyond belief for reminding him he still lives in an America where Trump happens.

714. If she hasn’t already, Canadian femme fatale Naomi Klein should hereby coin Super Bowl 50 accompanied by Trump tweeting about it live from the political sewage facility known as New Hampshire DISASTER CAPITALISM WITH CHEESE.

713. Hammered in a Nashua hotel bar with no one still hanging around after the game much listening, Donald Trump, Jr. makes a pretty compelling case that Coldplay could become even better than U2 if they continue to stick together long past any prime they ever had.

712. Out of deference to network advertisers, Trump agrees to wait until first thing Monday morning to start taunting biggest dabber Cam Newton to bolster turnout on Tuesday.

711. Trump thanks Peyton Manning for singling him out at the Lombardi Trophy presentation as the primary inspiration for his Super Bowl winning performance while at the same time endorsing him for President with total confidence that everyone who supports his campaign knows he’s lying to them about this along with everything else and loves him for it.

710. Trump makes everyone presently around him verbally confirm that he picked Denver to win it all in the pre-season.

709. Master of timing, and a little bored by low-scoring game, Trump rekindles old twitter war with Gwyneth Paltrow.

708. Trump lashes out at staff that there’s not a single fucking luxury box in the State of New Hampshire.

707. Trump-induced consternation.

706. Trump tweets at Team Fiorina to suck it already about being excluded from halftime festivities.

705. Another GOP debate would have been more fun to throw shit at.

704. Trump retweets something from the Christie people to the effect that Coldplay sucks, so Marco Rubio should perform with Daft Punk at the half.

703. Trump asks daughter and closest professional confidant, Ivanka, what’s the deal with Lady Gaga, like does she have a dick or not?

702. Only day of the year when the neighbors in an otherwise pretty solid hood sound like Trump voters.

701. ESPN teases viewers for a future 30 for 30 with the tagline: What if I told you you were sitting somewhere watching overgrown men, at least half of whom will eventually go bankrupt after retiring from a professional sporting career, mentally and physically cripple each other to sell you beer, cars, trucks, Hollywood shoot em ups, financial services, scientology, breakfast cereal, online betting scams and erectile pills with too many dangerous side effects lost in the fine print to explain here while the most terrifying, transparently ill sociopath to ever seriously run for President in the age of television toys with those controlling the lens and you did nothing to punish the whole incestuous lot but debate the level of Peyton Manning’s remaining arm strength (with or without HGH) while complaining there’s not enough cheese on the nachos to go around.

700. Trump taking Cousin Sal prop bet that at least two Panthers and four Broncos will sustain life-threatening brain injury to be aggressively litigated against later during today’s game.

699. Rather watch any given NBA game, even if it involves Kobe Bryant and The Lakers, any given Sunday of the week than some campground NFL orgy or listen to Trump.

698. Icky Americans indecisive over voting for Cruz v. Trump.

697. Stop making sense and using threats of sex with Trump as a weapon.

696. Trump accepts full credit for Coen brothers box office disaster.

695. With the size of his political rallies reaching critical mass, the only member of Trump’s secret service detail he trusts above his own private body guards is a bomb-sniffing German Shepherd that hates homeless people.

694. Subset of Trump supporters see Super Bowl 50 as false flag.

693. Sy Hersh sitting on intel proving Trump is a machine.

692. Edward Furlong for Trump for no other reason.

691. Really wanting to bring it to this fox in the football jersey selling Viagra after listening to Trump make himself hard again.

690. NFL announces Trump winner of Bigoted Asshole With An Opinion Of The Year award toward the end of New Hampshire primary debate.

689. The artful and repeated use of the words turban and motherfuckers together likely to serve Trump well come Tuesday.

688. Trump’s non-denial denial of fathering Tucker Carlson’s oldest child was totally worth tuning in on the weekend.

687. Go home, Ben, to Jesus, Trump says softly.

686. George Herbert Walker Bush has apparently attempted some sort of Japanese suicide by sky diving onto the stage from the rafters to take out either Rubio or Trump.

685. Waterboarding is not torture, Trump agrees with Cruz, adding but listening to a dick like you say it or anything else certainly is.

684. Trump shushes Jeb! again before accusing Rubio of owning a burqa.

683. Asked how he would handle rogue enemy states like North Korea and Iran, Trump says he is a master intelligence gatherer and has it on very good authority, for example, that Carly Fiorina is so desperate and pissed off at ABC she has retained the same two U-North assassins who botched the hit on Michael Clayton to seek revenge in the form of making sure Martha Raddatz never leaves Manchester alive.

682. Barbara Bush just threw some kind of weird double-legged cane with two tennis ball attached to the bottom of it at Trump from row one, stage right.

681. Trump will replace Obamacare with Carolina’s Cam Newton.

680. Everybody should die when and where Trump tells them to.

679. Trump gives John and Jeb! permission to go ahead and continue to discuss anything that may come to mind quietly among yourselves.

678. What kind of magic Christian bitch candidate has to borrow money from his wife to run for elected office, Trump interrupts Cruz?

677. Trump asks the Senator from Florida to tell New Hampshire voters in laymen’s terms what the fuck is a foam party.

675. Trump challenges Dr. Ben Carson to punch Senator Cruz in his smug, disgusting face for what he did to him in Iowa if he’s worthy of being considered a man, let alone Commander-in-Chief.

674. Trump delivers an inspired Nicky Santoro CASINO rant for its own sake to kick things off Saturday night.

673. Trump tweets just prior to debate that he doesn’t expect Rubio to come out tonight on stage.

672. Trump/Goodell 2016.

671. Every aggrieved white man maniac with multiple guns wishing to die on TV and join the ranks of mass shooter 15 minutes of infamy should take a serious look at getting himself to Manchester, New Hampshire tonight no later than 8:00 pm local time.

670. Sanders and Trump to co-sponsor Bro Woodward bullshit about Hillary being shrill.

669. Doc Rivers tells reporters he’s willing to trade Blake Griffin back to Donald Sterling in exchange for Trump swearing off politics for life.

668. The Monkees reuniting to make fun of primate Trump and his masturbatory fans.

667. Criminally incompetent Sacramento Kings ownership to fire legendary coach George Karl less than a year into the job as a show of support for Trump.

666. The .666 percent of rational demonic tool and die machinery inside Trump’s otherwise unending Exorcist sequel of a soul keeps trying to invoke the 5th Element to stop mouth from opening but loses out to the uncontrollable 99.334 percent every time putting the world in grave danger.

665. Weighing in on the battle brewing between Fiorina and Christie relative to her being bounced out of the next GOP debate but not him, Trump simplified the matter by stating both should exit the race and quit wasting other people’s money since Carly’s a bitch and Chris is too fat to be President of anything.

664. Trump to continue his crying like a punked novice about Cruz during halftime show.

663. MacGyver Rebooting to Sabotage Trump.

662. USC’s Pat Haden obvious cabinet pick for Trump Administration.

661. Asshole O’Reilly can fuck himself by The Factor of ten, Trump says in response to calls he clean up his language on the campaign trail.

660. New England Benevolent Bestiality & Zoophilia Association Inc. Endorses Trump Over Cruz.

659. Ethically correct to blame Trump for latest New York crane collapse even if he had nothing to do with it.

658. Chelsea Clinton accidentally calls anyone in favor of Trump a slow-learning, grossly obese, American inbred self-inflicted gunshot wound waiting to happen.

657. Trump/Shkreli 2016.

656. Trump seeing red over Kelly book deal.

655. Will bleed for 7 figure advance.

654. Trump’s HR people confiscate Fiorina’s phone, tablet, laptop and printer before officially escorting her out of the building for him to shoot.

653. James Franco posts new personal best in challenge to Trump and Franzen for Olympic-Caliber Loser Gold.

652. Smear a little, Trump robs Dylan, and they throw you in jail.

651. Trump tweets Hillary was only moderately attractive in her prime and has become progressively less so since entering public life.

650. May earth, wind and/or fire turn every tacky piece of shit property in the Trump portfolio to ruin.

649. Catch, force to listen to American Trump for 30 seconds before release, problem solved.

648. Johnny SoFucked Trump won’t even accept his vote.

647. Pro-Trump-Rape

646. Trump defends new tweet alleging Marco Rubio worked his way through law school as an offshore Caribbean Rentboy as a Bush supporter retweet.

645. Trump’s Mafia ties taking a closer look at Cruz after Iowa.

644. Ivanka discreetly exploring personal licensing partnership with LoJack as family empire implodes.

643. Acid Death Cloud Cruz prescribes Dr. Ben Carson and Nurse Trump a set of Siamese balls if they aim to play two-on-one against the dirty bastard stepchild of Richard Nixon.

642. Generation of Swine Flu Laced Republican Primary Ebola Virus.

641. Jeb! Ted! Marco! Chris! Ben! John! Carly! Jim! Trump

640. Notably but not limited to cutting and burning, Melania Trump discovers the secret spirit-lifting powers of self-injury later in life

639. Former United States Senator and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says she and Trump obviously know each other from New York, but were never friends even though she got super shitfaced at the shitpile’s wedding and woke up the next morning with some super hottie fresh off the LPGA Tour she, sadly, hasn’t come across since.

638. Stealing a simple 1st and 10 call out of Putin’s New England Patriots playbook, Jimmy Carter says he would chose Trump over Cruz for the U.S. Presidency, further ensuring he will get nowhere near it.

637. The sound of one hand clapping for Jeb! is Trump.

636. Eric Trump is reportedly hooked on chocolate covered corn dogs, cocaine and cotton candy, rendering him unfit to consume the requisite amount of maple syrup soaked venison sticks, cocaine and cotton candy required to effectively represent his father’s campaign throughout the State of New Hampshire so has been sent home without pay.

635. The People v. O.J. Simpson were a hundred times more competent and intelligent public officials than Trump and the rest of his rival Republican doucharoos combined.

634. Trump continues to accuse Cruz of tricking Iowa voters into believing the Senator is even more of a toxic human waste site for confiscated meth lab remains than he is.

633. Cheater Cheater Trumpkin Eater.

632. Pussy Riot releases new video really about Trump.

631. Santorum endorses Trump on the condition he can have Dan Savage killed.

630. Trump promises New Hampshire Republican primary voters that where fatso softy Christie would merely spank, he shall fist without mercy.

629. Rather than apologize for it to media pansies post Iowa debacle, Trump doubles down and bends over his man crush on Vladimir Putin.

628. Fraud finds fraud all around him and cries fraud to fraudulent likes on Facebook.

627. Bitter also ran Rand Paul wishes blindness upon Trump, Trump supporters, the Republican Party and all of America in returning to the U.S. Senate to remain irrelevant.

626. Ann Coulter’s cow pus spitting Iowa tirade a sign she’s not quite ready to concede she fucked the wrong horse.

625. Adult infantile media-inflamed narcissist sounding/looking clinically depressed on stage one night after awesome national display of shock, embarrassment and shame is a source of tremendous joy.

624. #MicrosoftDoesntGiveAFuckAboutRubioOrTrumpOnlyMoney.

623. Barron Trump has been forbidden from speaking Spanish to the help and wearing his fancy boots until further notice.

622. Trump to self-finance dating of own daughter in desperate move to cock block Rubio and destroy Cruz.

621. No one remembers who tweeted no one remembers who came in second.

620. Trump vows via tweet to sell ignorant losers still learning to tie their own shoes more baseball AND colder weather stocking caps heading into New Hampshire Primary.

619. Fake illness in Trump family watch.

618. Freshly Cruzified Trump with poached eggs and Canadian bacon.

617. Loser Loser Loses.

616. After declaring historic victory, Trump blames Iowa results on FBI’s failure to methodically kill both Bundy brothers and all of the gun-cocked caddies surrounding them like sick cattle.

615. Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin Endorses Texas Senator Ted Cruz for President.

614. Evil trumpets throughout the land.

613. Bush family humiliation possibly worth Nazi caucus price of admission.

612. Iowa entrance polls indicate every single person planning to go on record for President Trump in front of others is a livestock-fucking jerk off.

611. All hell loosening up.

610. Fascist Jest.

609. American Dumb Ass.

608. Losers of the Corn.

607. Trump threatens to leave his two hideous adult sons in Iowa to keep killing things if he doesn’t finish first on Monday.

606. Former high school Pantera fans with no present life to speak of and even less of a future tip over a few cows in Waterloo and break some random shit in support of Trump on the eve of the Iowa Caucuses.

605. Gratuitous Trump.

604. Who doesn’t get more pussy than Tucker Carlson?

603. The doctor who discovered CTE says he would bet his medical license on the fact that Trump is a cancerous mass of talking hemorrhoidal tissue.

602. Chickenhawk Down.

601. Inherent Trump.

600. Megyn Kelly dyes her hair red before Thursday’s debate and alters the course of human history.

599. Serial dier Abe Vigoda finally cashes out under threat of Trump rule.

598. Sneaker wave of hollow.

597. Trump marks historic New York to Washington whiteout by being himself.

596. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow your own mollusk-sized brains out in the middle of 5th Avenue snow.

595. Trump insiders are saying to friends in federal law enforcement it’s time for some Waco-style action at Birdlandia to solidify their lead heading into Iowa.

594. American-born white man David Blatt reconsidering his prior disdain for Trump.

593. Captain Obvious surrenders American command and flees to a Canadian Red Roof Inn under the cover of darkness.

592. Bible says blizzard in NYC this time of year means only a Tasteless Luxury King like Trump can save Christians from being persecuted worldwide.

591. Trump campaign taking a close look at English actress Charlotte Rampling as a potential running mate.

590. American morons under hypnotic hate spell of morally and aesthetically repulsive human being ripe for imagined alien abduction experience on a dark country road in the middle of the night they will survive and return to earth to talk about because so incredibly stupid they will believe and repeat anything to others like them who can be trusted to pass it on as fact.

589. Trump Haw.

588. An improperly medicated Pam Shriver down under is the only thing currently on television more horrifyingly hard to look away from than Trump.

587. New Florida polls indicate Trump has nearly doubled the lead over his own dick since the Palin endorsement on Tuesday.

586. Trump tweets at citizens of Flint, Michigan to shut up and accept defeat since they are starting to become sort of a national downer he can’t fully exploit per key primary states in other parts of the country.

585. Ann Coulter explains to Sean Hannity why Trump can win the African-American vote by chopping her gnarly fucking head off live on BET during ABC’s broadcast of the 88th Academy Awards as a stroke of counter-programming genius

584. Secretive clairvoyants who can already name the next three rock icons to die in correct order against Trump.

583. Libertarian fruit roll-up Ron Paul disowns son while whining Trump the likely Republican nominee.

582. The girlfriend of the son of my good friend Sarah Palin should never have pointed herself at the young man’s gun to begin with, according to Trump.

581. Melania Trump is overhead talking privately to Charlie Rose about Ordo Templi Orientis at a New York dinner party and offers to appear on his show nude to keep the conversation going.

580. Todd Palin’s souped-up snowmobile runs out of gas three feet from the finish line of a 200 mile idiot rod race prompting federal government hating Trump supporters in Columbia, South Carolina to cry foul.

579. It is so obviously Trump’s fault that some dumb foster dog lady recently ruled against my adopting of a 15-month-old albino doberman with lingering aggression issues from a rough start in life for not currently having a secure fence in place surrounding the ENTIRE property.

578. The ghost of Teddy Roosevelt visits John McCain while the Senator from Arizona is napping in his Washington office and hands him an old military pistol accompanied by a single bullet inscribed with the words honor and regret.

577. Wasilla Runner.

576. Our Brand is Republican Dung.

575. Sarah Palin blames her herpes sores for a brain on Obama while campaigning alongside Trump in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

574. Atmospheric scientists attribute Trump catching political fire in 2015 to mass stupidity and loss of motor and sensory function brought on by heat stroke.

573. Hockey moms flock to Trump to warn him about the wicked, high-sticking witch he’s resurrecting at his own risk.

572. Trump/Palin celebratory gunplay at Malheur leaves two patriots dead and one big rubber cock broken beyond repair.

571. Trump supporters tell Carlos Santana to go back to North Africa.

570. Palin blames Flint piss-colored water on politically correct liberals in Washington who fail to take full advantage of a willing belligerent mark like Trump when they see one.

569. President Obama has issued an emergency executive order allowing Iowa State students too ashamed to look themselves in the mirror immediate right of transfer to any four-year university within the lower 48, including Hawaii, free of relocation costs and no questions asked.


567. It is going to require a couple more weeks for this historic relationship to play out before it becomes clear who exactly is the maggoty horse carcass with its guts removed and who is the limping dead Leonardo DiCaprio taking shelter inside it in the just announced Trump/Palin assault on the defenseless State of Iowa.

566. Track can see his political whore of a mom blowing Trump live on television from Wasilla Jail.

565. Sarah Palin confuses a living Huey Lewis for not Glenn Frey while rambling incoherently about traditional American something or other over a cocktail of vodka and Alprazolam during her Iowa State University tractor wreck of a speech endorsing Trump.

564. Palin For Trump = Richly Deserved Republican Death.

563. The long national nightmare now involves naked sleep hate-fucking.

562. Alaskan Daylight Cravenings Time.

561. Trump’s a cowboy, on a steel fence pole he rides.

560. Lolita Lori Maddox says Jimmy Page, David Bowie and Bill Clinton were all amazing back in the day, but she did not have sexual relations with anyone from The Eagles or that terrible man, Trump.

559. AMERICAN PIE guy Don McLean apparently isn’t dead yet, but his name in the news finally provides Trump a chance to join the national conversation about classic rock in terms he is comfortable with.

558. Link from Birmingham Gun Show.

557. Trump offers a forever home for the soulless too vile to house the dead.

556. Charged with identifying emerging markets for a family brand in a time of global transition, Donald Trump, Jr. explores licensing opportunities for a new line of premium beef jerky to be distributed exclusively through interstate travel plazas across the United States.

555. To darkly imagine having anything in common with Trump relative to the arts, it might be knowing almost nothing about The Eagles.

554. Calls grow for Oscars boycott of gold on their creepy ego-enlarging, rather Aryan-looking statuettes because they are too obvious a reminder that rich old white men like Trump still control everything that matters to most people in America.

553. I have a dream about no loud pipes, or Harleys at all, for that matter, that includes Trump drowning while on fire in a failed campaign stunt to jump the Snake River Canyon.

552. Late sixties are the new death, Trump willing, if God is listening.

551. Echoing Ammon Bundy’s recent comparisons of himself to Rosa Parks, Trump tells fans in Concord, New Hampshire how he bravely refused to give up his place in line on the runway to a British Airways flight carrying a London man whose brother is dying and needs an immediate kidney donation back home at a heavily backed up JFK early this morning while politicians in the UK debate a proposed measure officially banning him from entering the country.

550. Trump is a winner and a doer who lives in the real walled-off world of his own make believe where anyone selling an alternative dream is a loser.

549. Trump ignores Martin Luther King, Jr. Day with a speech at Chancellor Jerry Falwell, Jr.’s Liberty University.

548. World No.1 Novak Djokovic says he was offered $200,000 to say a nice word or two about Trump after winning last year’s U.S. Open.

547. Trump accused of genetic match fixing after failed attempts to create master race.

546. The Trump Campaign reports 72% of the fake Facebook likes of Donald J. Trump Public Figure purchased by Trump polled compared to 83% of the infinitesimally small number of real like-minded retards actually paying attention to or commenting on anything Donald J. Trump posts believe Hillary Clinton demonstrated little strength and even less stamina during Sunday night’s debate than either the shouty old man or younger Irish guy holding the key to th minibar for after the show.

545. What kind of serious presidential debate doesn’t involve cries of war and regret over American sailors returning home safely after steering their boats into Iranian waters.

544. Hillary Clinton should raise her hand right about now and ask Trump for permission to powder her gun.

543. Kicker buys another week for dead Bronco-style horse Manning and entire Rocky Mountain region of the United States from turning toward Trump in defeat.

542. Hack builder of unparalleled cheese machines and uniquely shitty American motorcycles surprises nobody by endorsing Trump for President.

541. Celebrity friends Bono and Trump banter back and forth over whose death will be the bigger deal than David Bowie’s.

540. Microsoft HoloTrump.

539. Only if Trump and Cruz literally kill each other by duel or, preferably, more gruesome means could this be seen as anything but a Fox manure induced bout of national psychosis by the long view of history.

538. No one in Arizona to vote for loser magnet Trump.

537. If you meet the Buddha on the road and are planning on voting for Trump you should drive head on into the closest light pole as fast as your vehicle can get there.

536. No more being politically correct by acknowledging Trump is a planetary life form deserving of even the most base level of respect as such.

535. DUMB AMERICANS #TRUMP2016 Sinister Remaster.

534. Opossum Against Trump.

533. Anonymous releases disgusting archive of annotated Betty White vintage nudes hacked off Trump’s Samsung Galaxy Note5.

532. Walmerica doesn’t win anymore.


530. BOB ROBERTS has been neutered and left for irrelevant by Trump.

529. Jeff Bezos set to announce all unused dildos and other ass toys sent to The Bundy Boys Gang camped out at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge will be picked up and delivered to Trump Tower via drone free of charge as part of an aggressive new membership drive for Amazon Prime to begin on Monday.

528. Platform heeled Marco Rubio’s total failure to articulate the difference between paddle tennis and pickleball to aging upper middle class Americans too soft and lazy to pick up a real racquet when bullied to do so by Trump under the national spotlight in North Charleston, South Carolina is just another example of why the young upstart from Florida is simply not ready to be President this time around.

526. Trump acquires USA Freedom Kids for a song as an early tenth birthday present for son Barron.

525. GRIZZLY ADAMS was the soundtrack of my youth, tweets an inconsolable Trump.

524. Major Tom, this Trump motherfucker must be stopped.

523. Dead and alive, the wizardry of Bowie remains the best salve to be applied after suffering through another polluted dinner cruise on this season’s incredibly grotesque GOP ship of fools.

522. It takes a pillage to kill Baby Hitler when there are so many infantiles whining about nothing, screaming out nonsense and shitting themselves in unison while cheering him on at home.

521. Sean Penn wasted and writing about farts on an airplane is more interesting than anything the paid commentariat is saying about ridding the country of this menace before us.

520. All you pussy journalists tweeting a few clever laughs to each other need to fuck off and do your fucking job by destroying these maniacs, which could be accomplished in a matter of days with half a set of balls between you.

519. Starving flies wouldn’t even land on this shitshow it’s so disgusting.

518. Dangerous fools like these and anyone listening that doesn’t want them to all die at once before exiting the stage deserves every ounce of bad karma coming their way.

517. Perhaps in another land, a more enlightened time, they would all just be shunned for being insufferable.

516. If the rodeo bull in the gun shop here were to dispense of the cowboy and kill all the clowns it would not solve the world’s problems, but it would be a welcome start

515. Vingh Rhames medievalry all the way around.

514. Franz Kafka has been accused of supporting a candidate among these cunts in absentia and it doesn’t matter which one.

513. Michael Vick, before he went to prison, should be moderating this ring of Republican evil and taking bets.

512. Miley Cyrus secretly being fitted for USA Freedom Cock.

511. Popping mics to become punishable by cattle prod.

510. Coal Miner’s Senile.

509. Kirstie Alley Is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations.

508. Orwell and Bowie are currently working together on a celestial response to USA Freedom Kids.

507. Best Oscar race ever, according to Trump.

506. Fifty Hades of Trump.

505. Trump plays tennis with a Weed EXT 135 Tour strung with barbed wire and boot faults on purpose.

504. Pat Buchanan says Trump is the new white.

503. He’s trying way too hard, Trump explains to key political aides while illustrating how miserably the talentless Paul Ryan is failing at contorting his smug little rich kid expressions into full-blown-permanent-ass-for-a-face during the President’s speech.

502. Trump Designated Survivor State Fair Tour Sponsor for SOTU 2016.

501. Iran holds 10 sailors and makes them fight like cavemen in the dance hall before letting them go as a timely musical challenge to retrograde America, especially Trump.

500. Poll-leading American Republican Presidential Candidate Trump telling the WSJ he didn’t know David Bowie was that sick is a call to all locusts to rid the world of humanity in its present form and start over with BLACKSTAR on infinite loop in the background.

499. A vote for Riverdale Point Guard Noah Jacobson as The Oregonian/OregonLive’s High School Athlete of the Week is a vote against Trump.

498. Lemmy, Bowie – Trump better drop goddamn dead before Borg AND DeLillo or all bets are off.

497. Pylon is cool, but nihilism cam is the only way to watch Trump on television.

496. Trump claims (falsely) to have once boned Bianca Jagger.

495. RGIII is trending toward Trump.

494. The Fat White Puke.

493. Trump accuses chief rival Cruz of having a favorite Bowie album.

492. THE MARTIAN for Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy makes almost as much sense as a second term in office for President Trump.

491. All these self-satisfied Hollywood assholes awarding themselves shit are responsible for Trump.

490. Trump wins Golden Globe for biggest fuckhead on the planet.

489. USFL America.

488. Trump praises forward Dennis Rodman as one of the most prolific scorers in NBA history.

487. Elect me President of the United States, Trump tells heart frozen Minnesotans, and I will publicly waterboard Blair Walsh naked in subzero temperatures until his internal organs turn to ice.

486. Reminding the twitterverse of his dozen plus international bestsellers, Trump calls Sean Penn a patsy who couldn’t write his way out of the Texas School Book Depository.

485. Every adult citizen from the City of Cincinnati in the State of Ohio is now certain to vote for Trump.

484. Patriots for Trump to Light Sean Penn on Fire.

483. Mime Bludgeoned to Death at Trump Rally.

482. Trump and Trumper.

481. Heavily armed walleye jiggers vow to occupy Big Spirit Lake if Trump doesn’t finish first in the Iowa Caucuses.

480. Phony El Chapo re-arrest is part of a much larger PSYOPS campaign being stitched together for a potential dismantling of Trump in the general election.

479. No strength or anima.

478. Trump official and PSYOPS soldier Jerry DeLemus now on the ground in Birdlandia has Camp Bundy threatening to cannibalize their own dead if more snickers don’t arrive tomorrow to combat brutal sugar lows being inflicted upon them by the BLM.

477. Coats are for losers.

476. Clinton loyalists squeeze the trigger on a friendly warning shot at a certain rookie politician making noise by selectively leaking word to friends in the press that Bill is the illegitimate father of Barron Trump.

475. Putin privately advises Trump to fire off some rifles and maybe rob a train with The Bundy Boys in front of reporters.

474. Trump’s children taking on what appears to be a growing public role in his campaign brings the wonderful scene at the end of SICARIO to mind where Alejandro joins Fausto Alarcón and his family for dinner.

473. Eric Trump executes a Northern spotted owl on Vine as part of a new family-oriented terrorist recruiting campaign.

472. Trump thanks two-time loser Mitt Romney for tearing Jeb! a fresh one and reminding Republicans why they are turning to a total fucking pile of shit like himself in despair over their hatred for the more conventional terrible choices of who will lead them to certain defeat in November.

471. New fans flock to Trump after the candidate is proven to have lied compulsively about States I’ve Visited on Facebook.

470. OPB reports surfacing from Burns suggest Ryan Bundy would be willing to sell out his idiot brother and call off the occupation of Birdlandia in exchange for 15 minutes inside a cold tent with Ivanka Trump.

469. Trump Comes Alive!

468. Trump declares war against North Korea on behalf of The Bundy Family tonight via twitter while flying home from New Hampshire without his seatbelt securely fastened.

467. Coen Brothers to donate wood chipper to the Malheur Wildlife Refuge and endow Trump Honorary Park Ranger until the snow melts.

466. Scout’s honor, Trump swears, he never heard of a royale with cheese.

465. How can a man who cries like a baby over a few first graders stand up to Mexican Muslims from Morocco plotting our destruction, Trump rallies gun fetishists in Claremont, New Hampshire.

464. Trump tied to Republican doping ring.

463. While Trump is an old Klan fan of Cliven Bundy and admires sons Ammon and Ryan in spirit, he privately tells staffers not to get too close to Ammon by way of public support as his father says he’s never been quite right since Heath Ledger died.

462. Unofficially naming grizzly from THE REVENANT Trump.

461. Trump has already promised 72 Gold Plated 2016 Ford Super Duty F-450 King Ranch Pickups for Ammon Bundy and any of his fellow losers in the afterlife if they can hold out until the South Carolina Primary to go down shooting.

460. Trump will continue to fart nonsense about Muslims through his mouth ad infinitum, knowing full well anyone listening is too terminally stupid to figure out anything about anything, going on or not.

459. No more Casablancan rapists pouring across the border on President Trump’s watch.

458. Dealmaker extraordinaire Trump will force Mexico to pay for a wall protecting America from The North African Kingdom of Morocco.

457. I’m Donald Trump and I approved this mad.

456. Trump assures cheering fans in Biloxi, Mississippi that Burns has tremendous potential to become the Benghazi of 2016 if all the ducks and other federally protected birds shot out of the sky at the Malheur Wildlife Refuge line up dead on the ground in a row.


454. Trump asks Oregon terrorists if they can seize him something fantastic for 18 holes, high desert spa/resort and a private landing strip.

453. Remember The Alamo Bowl, Trump tweets at dumbshits playing patriot games in Gun Rack, Oregon.

452. I am SELF-funding MY campaign, the ONLY ONE in either party, Trump Trumps.

451. Half way through THE BOOK OF THE LAW in secret, Melania Trump is hesitant to cross large bodies of water via private aircraft.

450. Play with Bill Clinton and you might get burned into ash and vanish before the world’s eyes faster than you can say Slick Willie behind the wheel of The Pussy Wagon.

449. Trump 2016 is the political equivalent of The Crüecifly gone terribly wrong.

448. Trump’s self-proclaimed Silent Majority should remain silent as it dies off and fades into minority status while continuing to never learn how to vote.

447. Rosy.

446. The sound that plastic horn makes if you keep blowing it well past midnight is Americans for Trump.

445. The year of living tackily.

444. Jeb! is a run-of-the-mill South Florida flakka addict unworthy of one-on-one debate, according to information in Al Jazeera’s possession it is reluctant to report after screwing the Peyton Manning pooch, according to non-Muslim sources close to Trump.

443. Motherfuck Trump and John Wayne.

442. Trump attacks both Carole King and total pussy Obama for being so emotional over a stupid song by Aretha Franklin.

441. Andre Agassi tweets at Trump: It’s Time.

440. Angry women with a thing for Trump throughout South Carolina have started wearing hand grenades around their necks.

439. Senile American Icon Clint Eastwood Mistakes Mario Lopez
For An Empty Chair While Babbling On About J. Edgar Hoover.

438. Fuck any tea, honest, dishonest, pathological liar, petty thief, convicted felon, mass murderer, doesn’t mater, that could possibly reference or associate with anything Trump ever said or did in any capacity whatsoever – ever.

437. Trump politely suggests George Pataki crawl back into a soft bottle of Merlot and remain invisible.

436. Death Eagle Chip Kelly To Join Trump Campaign Team In Spirit.

435. Motördouche.

434. Trump never heard of Lemmy.

433. No strength/stamina (same as Hillary), Trump concludes in faulting Japan for its formal apology accompanied by $8.3 million to Korea over enslaving women as sex workers during WWII.

432. Trump says Kwanzaa is disgusting.

431. The Secret Service code name for Trump is not Mogul, as previously reported, but David Lee Roth.

430. Hillary Clinton is dealing the woman card from a loaded deck, Trump cries foul.

429. Trump renews his full-throated call for the death penalty for anyone who kills a police officer and expands it to also include anyone who accuses Peyton Manning of being anything other than a perfect American white male.

428. Trump tells family farmers in Burke County, Georgia that I was not born in a small town and that’s probably not where they’ll bury me because I am, in fact, a vampire, meaning, unlike losers like you suffering from the effects of climate change and heartless agro business, I am immortal.

427. If somebody stacked gold bullion all the way from 725 5th Ave, New York, NY 10022 to the dark side of the moon, that is how much Trump claims to have now extended his lead over Republican rivals in the polls heading into 2016.

426. Didn’t receive the 2016 Corvette was expecting from wife, so voting Trump.

425. Massive Methane Gas Leak Displacing Thousands in Los Angeles County on Christmas Eve an Eerie Chemical Apparition of Candidate Trump.

424. Trump announces he is in Palm Beach, Florida and will be going to church tonight to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! prompting young male supporters to beat themselves bloody on the head with schlongs.

423. Sixty full portions PLUS a $100 gift card from Bass Pro Shops for any twitter follower that helps Trump find the Droid.

422. PC casting aside, Trump tells conservative film critic and radio host Michael Medved audiences should not fault Finn for lying about being a member of the resistance simply to get in Rey’s. pants.

421. Trump reminds reporters covering a campaign rally in Davenport, Iowa he continues to remain ranked first in order of all Republican candidates as far as the polls are concerned and that there’s a sucker like loser Harrison Ford born every minute while brushing off stories in the local press that Ted Cruz is actually much better positioned to carry the state with a stronger organization and more stormtroopers on the ground leading into the caucuses on February 1st.

420. Trump still believes in a place called Hope Solo on google search.

419. Barron Trump informs Santa in writing he is to receive one smokin’ hot Japanese servant like Kyoko from EX MACHINA by 25 December.

418. Trump asks Marco Rubio when did you stop schlonging your wife?

417. Schlong as they spell my name right.

416. No more Muslims sneaking in disguised as bales of hay if I’m elected, Trump promises concerned cattle ranchers in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

415. Accused by ABC ball-buster Martha Raddatz of being crude and recklessly impulsive with his public comments to a degree that could ultimately demean the Office of the Presidency, Trump calls bullshit by saying he has shown tremendous discipline by saving any talk of camel toe for the general election.

414. Schlonger-in-Chief.

413. Trump tweets at SpaceXer Elon Musk I got your Falcon 9 right here.

412. Melania Trump is secretly engrossed in The Libri of Aleister Crowley.

411. Elaborating on earlier remarks, Trump accuses Muslim sleeper Steve Harvey of sporting an Iraqi Sunni-sized mustache, which could explain why he and Obama conspired to sabotage his old Miss Universe Pageant as a way of distracting attention away from him defending the thoroughly documented practice of Foreign Heads of State killing reporters who disagree with them.

410. Whatever Trump’s ultimate agenda, as becoming President is clearly not part of it, give him credit for ever setting foot in a shithole like Grand Rapids, Michigan to see it through.

409. Hillary Clinton is obviously incontinent, according to a letter To Whom It May Concern released by Trump’s personal physician and future U.S. Witch Surgeon General, rendering her completely incapable of fighting ISIL at home and abroad.

408. Trump blames Steve Harvey’s epic fuck up on Obama.

407. That pro-Trump meme you just shared on Facebook will come back to haunt you one day even worse than the prom photo of you finally attending senior year with your sister.

406. Trump lovers look for ways to turn new Hillary insults into last month’s rent.

405. We are not enemies, but friends, we must not be enemies, though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection, the mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the darker angels of our nature, Trump says in an original new stump speech staffers say he wrote himself inspired by his recent endorsement from iconic right-wing Flintstone Phyllis Schlafly.

404. What the world needs more than anything at this time of global tumult is an American President who insists, correctly, the Miss Universe Shit Show that took place last night never would have happened under his watch.

403. Trump sends his congratulations to Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina for coming to his senses and dropping out of the race by calling him a fey little neo-conservative sissy who couldn’t have stopped Hitler’s rise to power either.

402. Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Chief Medical Telegenic Face for CNN, and Trump spar over the merits of legalizing medical marijuana nationwide as a positive force for losing even more money inside a shitty casino when combined with free booze, obesity, diabetes and chronically-under-funded-publicly-educated-stupid.

401. Trump remains inflatulated with Hillary Clinton’s bathroom habits.

400. With two games still left on the schedule, Trump fires off a Sunday night tweet arguing there’s no reason not to call in a Japanese fishing vessel now to slaughter this year’s Miami Dolphins and start over.

399. Trump excoriates staff for their failure to have an early bowl game named after him.

398. What tends to happen this time of year when it rains in Southern California is that underground roots expand and find their way into old cracked pipes leading from houses to the larger communal pipes buried beneath the sidewalks so the sewage gets backed up requiring the old cracked pipes to be snaked by professionals who specialize in this sort of thing which often leaves front yards filthy and full of Trump forcing property owners to blast Trump into the gutter drains running alongside the streets where it can be publicly dispersed like everyone is currently being exposed to on TV.

397. When Trump looked new pal Putin in the eye on Skype he found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy and saw a dull reflection of the same American morons who put George W. Bush in office for 8 years.

396. There is no evidence Vladimir Putin ever killed journalists topless with his bare hands while wrestling a bear and riding a white stallion at the same time, according to friend Trump.

395. This morning on Meet the Press Trump urged all Americans to prevent Muslims already living peacefully inside the country from securing a choice parking space at Trader Joe’s.

394. Could somebody please alert Trump to the fact that there is what looks like it could actually be an ISIL infiltrator with a technical issue waiting in line at the Genius Bar inside the Apple Store over here at The Grove.

393. Allowing every player to pack a handgun of his own choosing inside his skates would at once increase fan safety inside the rink and help broaden the appeal of the sport to Americans who could generally care less about all things NHL, Trump advises hockey bard and Canadian mulleteer Barry Melrose while filling in for Neil Everett on ESPN Sportscenter.

392. How in God’s goddamn creation, Trump scolds normally reliable battle axe Barbara Walters over the phone, could chemically growing a set of tits and killing an old lady in Malibu while texting drunk propel anyone to the top of your Most Fascinating Person of the Year List over me.

391. Whiz Kid Donnie Smith is still so upset over successfully returning his stolen money for braces because of those frogs falling from the sky sixteen years after the fact that he now says he’s dropping his support for Carly Fiorina and will instead be voting for Trump in the June 7th California Republican Primary.

390. Based on his own epidemiological studies, Trump’s personal physician, Harold N. Bornstein, M.D., F.A.C.G., urgently warns against letting Muslims into the country due to their genetic predisposition to silently carry the Ebola virus, which could wipe out the entire white American population in a manner of months without a single Muslim interloper ever suffering so much as a bleeding eardrum from the deadly disease itself

389. Trump denounces Hillary Clinton as weak bladdered, worthless and without any measurable value whatsoever as a woman for taking too long to go to the bathroom on live television.

388. Professional loser-eye Trump correctly identifies Martin O’Malley while briefly focusing it on anyone besides himself.

387. U.S. Civil War enthusiasts to receive a free musket for attending tomorrow’s Trump rally in Lynchburg, Virginia dressed in full Confederate soldier uniform and prepared for battle.

386. Lawyers for Burt Reynolds are suing the Trump Campaign for stealing his private mailing list of lifelong SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT fans and are demanding it be returned by the close of business hours this coming Monday.

385. Proper paganistic ritual this time of year requires ridiculing Trump supporters morning, noon and especially late at night.

384. Trump refuses to remove his shirt and shoot shit with Vladimir Putin as part of a photo-op their staffs are planning together for early next month in New Hampshire.

383. Ronald Reagan, cf course, but with Chiang Kai-shek right up there, Trump says to FOX Thetan Greta Van Susteren when asked to list some of his favorite world leaders throughout history besides just Bruno Mussolini and Adolf Hitler.

382. An average of daily polls conducted by leading media organizations over the past seven days indicates Trump does best among white methamphetamine-cooking males between the ages of 25 and found dead due to explosion inside their own trailer tomorrow.

381. Bullying Dr. Ben Carson to clear the field for the caveman vote, Trump threatens to have Iowa state troopers already on the take plant a pound of coke, multiple nudie mags and a pentagram in the trunk of his magic Christian bus if he doesn’t shut it down by church on Sunday.

380. Strolling along the smooth, tranquil sands of Palm Beach after a busy week of mindless debate, coddling foreign dictators, and other fascistic activities the media seems truly incapable of calling him on; Trump takes a restful morning off to gather his thoughts when he stumbles upon a starfish the tide left stranded ashore and promptly crushes it to death with his bare feet.

379. Trump could have so easily launched a redneck spinoff from Scientology were he heavy into sci-fi and the sea instead of short-term ratings and ultimate self-annihilation.

378. Pulling an abdominal muscle over laughing hysterically in terror from watching Trump toy with all comers on television because he is so clearly lacking a conscience and is dangerously psychologically deranged is no party when trying to get nothing done.

377. The Psychic Friends Network (PFN) agrees to intervene on Trump’s political behalf if he agrees to buy it and put it back on the telephone lines after shutting down the Internet where it belongs.

376. Local Adjunct English Professor claims to have witnessed Thomas Pynchon eavesdropping on a booth of Trump loyalists at a Waffle House near Little Rock, Arkansas.

375. Trump and Putin continue to slow dance following their first kiss with Evey and V waltzing to BIRD GERHL playing on the jukebox in the background.

374. Fourteenth century Italian epic poet guides U.S. through another circle of Hell with news that GOP super-slush-funder-in-chief Sheldon Adelson pledges support to Trump should he be anointed the party nominee.

373. Lenny Bruce wouldn’t even know where to dead end with Trump.

372. Say Trump (nothing else) ten times fast and you, too, can have a career like Brian Williams once did in comedy and nightly news television.

371. Trump pokes fun at socialist Senator Bernie Sanders over his inability to steal on a scale large enough to be recently called brilliant and an Absolute Leader by a modern-day Russian Czar and serial killer.

370. Current NASA Administrators agree among themselves that failure is the only option in preparing for a potential Trump Presidency, requiring contingency plans to destroy all existing spacecraft and satellites orbiting the earth to prevent the fool from ever getting his greedy little cloven hooves on the keys.

369. Grossly overpaid crybaby center Dwight Howard is apparently not happy in Houston, after not being happy in Los Angeles, after not being happy in Orlando and announces he will next be voting for Trump.

368. The Notorious N.E.W.T. searches for relevance again by giddily comparing Trump to Andrew Jackson every chance he gets and advising him to rekindle the old Indian Wars once elected to keep citizens safe from the red man.

367. Hearing Cheap Trick is joining the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is like listening to that prostitute you’re paying to keep quiet and leave 65 minutes later talk about Trump.

366. Vitriol is a dish best served flat at 140 mph from the service line at Trump’s Cro-Magnon fans horrifically all over Facebook.

365. Trump offers supporters no opinion on or cheap shots at loser José Mourinho via stump or social media because none of them would know who he is.

364. Trump tells Barbara Walters from the block that he doesn’t necessarily have a favorite member of the Kardashian family so would thank and reward them all the same if he is so privileged to be elected President by the American people.

363. Spoiler Alert: Trump is riddled all the way through the new STAR WARS in spirit.

362. No Quarter in trolling billionaire fuckrolls that rhyme with rump.

361. Challenger, Gray & Christmas reports America has officially sold its soul to the devil amid Holiday Republicanism starring a fascist satanic elf named Trump.

360. The Trump Campaign continues to bend time and defy the laws of physics by turning right wingnuts everywhere into Russophiles.

359. Top Pentagon officials threaten to kill themselves en masse with honor after selling off the building to Google for parts if Trump becomes President.

358. Trump pilots a snowmobile while campaigning in Alaska for the first time and tweets it made his balls cold.

357. Potential Cabinet Secretary Sarah Palin invites Trump ice fishing instead of out for an afternoon of shooting Moose because she and husband Todd don’t trust him anywhere within five miles of a loaded gun.

356. Trump tells funny sounding Southern white boy Darrell Waltrip he will sponsor any NASCAR team that agrees to paint a Confederate Flag back on the hood starting at the Sprint Unlimited season opening race at The Daytona International Speedway on February 13, 2016.

355. Trump delivers applause line from stump speech to fans who lined up all day to listen in Mesa, Arizona that America isn’t winning anymore because traditional rape culture is being watered down and weakened by Mexican rapists spilling over the border.

354. Chicago Mayor and sharp-shooting political hitman Rahm Emanuel secretly contributes everything he knows about anything to Trump staffers to make sure he stays in the race and up the media’s ass for as long as possible.

353. HONK if you love the idea of running any idiot with a Jesus and TRUMP 2016 bumper sticker on the back of their pickup truck off the road.

352. Murderous Russian Kleptogarch Rattle Snake Under The Rock Praises Mentally Ill U.S. Presidential Candidate As Powerful And Flamboyant.

351. If INFINITE JEST was like 1000 pages longer it would have circled back in subsidized time to rename the Year of The Depend Adult Undergarment (Y.D.A.U.) the Year of Barbara Walters Sucking Donald Trump’s Dick (Y.B.W.S.D.T.D.).

350. TBT – The Third Reich.

349. The Splice, to this day, still refuses to sleep with Trump.

348. Trump possesses exactly two redeeming qualities as a national death ray that have been fulfilled so he can fuck off now and suffer a fatal accident – 1. exposed most in the media to even the most casual observer for the self-fellating 401K plans they’ve always been and 2. castrated the Bush family.

347. Jimmy Kimmel keeps his desk job in perfect order.

346. No way in hell should Serena Williams be recognized as Sports Illustrated’s 2015 Sportsperson of The Year without Trump being recognized at the same time as the single biggest pile of shit that should be wrapped in magazine paper and lit on fire that SI editors picking the winner have ever seen.

345. Trump vacui.

344. American Billionaire Trump accidentally tripped open his ass for a mouth and penetrated a teenage level of stupidity throughout the land.

343. Country shows 0% interest in Fed raising key interest rates while circle jerking itself into a circus tent of oblivion over Trump.

342. Trump is a triad unto Trumpself.

341. Knowing nothing of either privately and never wanting to, the only figure on the American scene more publicly repellant in recent memory than Trump is bite-foot-in-mouth-dildo-of-an-Oprah-swamp-water-moccasin Jonathan Franzen.

340. When DJay is explaining to Nola at the start of HUSTLE & FLOW how man ain’t like a dog while seated across from one another in the front seat of his dope 1988 Chevy Capris what he’s really telling her is that if you say one more word about acting against your own class interest by voting Republican, especially for a fucking wanna-be bitch pimp like Trump, I’m going to knock your goddamn teeth right the fuck out your mouth.

339. Criminally negligent intellectual laziness in favor of instant self gratifying political shits and demagogue giggles is the new black.

338. Word traveling throughout academic circles is that Dr. Phillip Zimbardo is in talks with Stanford University to rename his famed prison experiment ‪#‎Trump2016.

337. What Alec Baldwin did to those losers in the real estate office that night it was raining so hard in Chicago even though it was shot in New York City is exactly the way anyone in favor of Trump as your next President should be treated publicly.

336. Everyone is an unpaid extra in the Christopher Guest sequel to BEST IN SHOW until Trump is dead or this election is over, preferably in that order.

335. Contrary to popular belief, Trump does not keep a copy of Mein Kampf on the nightstand in the master suite of the Airbus A380 or whatever giant passenger aircraft he tools around in these days because it would interfere with his ongoing study of Heath Ledger’s posthumous, Oscar-winning performance in THE DARK KNIGHT before bed.

334. Hoping to paywall them off for fans, Trump asks Internet inventor, former Vice President and victim of Supreme Court political assassination Al Gore if FanDuel, DraftKings and porn can be used to fuck with Jihadists or must they be shut down with the rest of modernity to keep Americans safe from terror.

333. The smell of Trump in the morning.

332. Perennial eye for skank and voice of reason Larry Flynt is offering $1 million in cash for any Trump supporter to come forward with proof of purchasing a Eurail pass or ever voicing an interest in traveling outside the country, U.S. Military and Mormon missionaries excluded.

331. Do Republicans Dream of ISIL Sheep?

330. Trump Around.

329. Every movie David Cronenberg has ever made is really about what CNN did to its viewers starting at 8:30 pm EST on the night of December 15, 2015.

328. The after-party reportedly going on right now at the Trump International Hotel Las Vegas involves Mike Tyson in a catsuit and midgets dressed like Saddam Hussein.

327. That night when you thought everyone was laughing at these stage right lunatics as loud as you are, but then you looked at the Facebook posts of a few people you sort of liked in high school and seem sort of reasonable today on the surface with their careers and cute kids and realized it is so much worse than you can wrap your head around.

326. Meat and Trump Is Murder.

325. Donald J. Trump Public Figure on Facebook can debate live and post shit about nothing and chew gum and build a wall and ready the ovens and declare a country morally bankrupt and chew more gum all at the same time.

324. Only Trump can lead this party to where it belongs.

323. All are either high, insane, none of the above or a combination of all three.

322. Siegfried & Roy & Trump and the others assembled among the grown ups will Make America Great Again if someone calls in a drone strike and wipes this CNN campsite off the face of the fucking map.

321. Las Vegas is about to debase itself.

320. Trump Haters Drink Free.

319. Let them destroy and render one another unelectable with neanderthal thoughts, like knives.

318. Trump rides a Harley with no helmet and the stereo on in his sleep.

317. Deflated Patriot Tom Brady should be concussed off the political playing field and return to playing Blockhead! where he belongs.

316. The Sacramento Kings have released a statement announcing point guard Rajon Rondo has been suspended for one game by the NBA for calling the ref a mother fuckin’ faggot and will be joining the Trump Presidential Campaign in the interim to stay in shape until he returns to the floor.

315. NIckleback followed closely by Hootie & the Blowfish fans used to be the most delusional, sinfully ignorant fools on the American most repulsive list until Trump supporters started tweeting and talking to reporters with the cameras on.

314. Pundits predict if Trump doesn’t make serious inroads at The Venetian tonight into stopping Ted Cruz from rising to the bottom of the GOP raw sewage pale currently polluting the nation’s airwaves the candidate will have a lion killed mercilessly on stage after biting the head off a live bat.

313. All Los Angeles schools closed today due to a threat tied to America becoming like the Germany everyone learned about back in school.

312. Trump puts on a show in Vegas and a Doors concert breaks out.

311. Trump Cosplay is spreading among heroin addicts in Hokkaido.

310. After some life raft of humanity has ditched the dying planet of its birth and set up shop inside an oxygen bubble elsewhere, historians will look back to the time Trump hired supporters via a New York commercial casting agency to surround him inside a golden tower and wave fake signs made by a few swingers a man with Richard Nixon tattooed across his back wrestled out of bed earlier the same morning while hearing him announce the world as we once knew it will soon be ending starting now and conclude he was correct.

309. That speech Matt Damon gives at the end of THE MARTIAN that came right off the Hollywood cheese tray and never should have made it into an otherwise pretty good film about growing food from your own shit or something like that should have started by saying that it was actually Trump that was inside all of those freeze-dried silver space packets.

307. Considering persistent rumors threatening his campaign, Senator Marco Rubio of Florida refuses to sign a pledge being circulated inside the party by Grover Norquist stating he would fuck Ivanka Trump in a rapid heartbeat if Trump wasn’t her father.

306. All military-style weapons of any kind that can be slung over the shoulder should be allowed into future Republican primary debates.

305. This fresh headline from POLITICO is irrefutable proof End Times are upon us – Rush Limbaugh defends Cruz against Trump attacks.

304. If Trump owns even one move worth of wicked disco Machiavellian sense, he will ride the elephant all the way to the convention, be brokered off the stage and run as a third party candidate, creating unparalleled chaos inside the country and widespread panic throughout the world to a level unseen before in recorded history ensuring he becomes the first human slot machine ever elected a sitting Head of State.

303. Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is an Anthony Robbins-The Da Vinci Code-reading rocket scientist for government reform and refined taste compared to Trump.

302. Where is janitor Michael Clayton when America needs him to clean this shit out of the sink.

301. Trump vows to reward his most fervent followers if elected by dramatically reducing the size of their prostate glands.

300. Somewhere Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is watching Fox News and counseling freshly minted acolytes seated around the fire without the Sony PlayStations they left back home in Europe on how the greatest weapon that sets them apart from the folks raining bombs from above is not merely being death-worshiping sociopaths, but being death-worshiping sociopaths that are willing to wait for for their targets to implode from the inside first by listening to death-worshiping sociopaths as crazy as fucking they are like the NRA or anyone who isn’t joking talk about a President Trump.

299. And this one time at band camp Trump became president and got rid of the band.

298. Anyone who has ever listened to a single syllable leaking through the diarrheal sphincter otherwise known as the Frank Luntz mouth without wanting to commit suicide in a million of the most violent ways imaginable is lacking any shred of rudimentary moral compass and is of no value to the human race now and never will be whether Trump is still around to spawn will the oven mitts raise your hand games live from studio C or not.

297. Trump to announce on Monday The British are bigots and golf is a slothy Aristocrat’s game that leads to inbreeding and destroys the environment.

296. If Barack Hussein Obama is not the anti-Christ and ISIL’s dance partner all rolled into one, Trump poses the simple question to a mother of three who waited patiently in line all day for him to sign her gun at an afternoon stopover in Charleston, who is?

295. Super Trump Me.

294. All these mouths connected to heads on television talking to each other about Trump, or, in some cases, talking to Trump Trumpself without laughing hysterically or bursting out into song or Touretting in some other fashion unique to their own experience or whatever else people do when they are truly psychotic and in the company of others who, too, are psychotic must be medicated in ways only those who work in broadcast journalism can afford.

293. Hitler, one word, Trump privately schools apprentices, equals infinite brand recognition and free media for the rest of time.

292. Now wouldn’t be too early for Milla Jovovich to fall into the cab.

291. If Andy Kaufman is not actually candidate Trump instead of Ann Coulter, like most people in showbiz believe, he needs to step forward and say so before a single ballot is cast and recorded in the annals of United States history.

290. To spend 16 straight hours reading the comments to posts on Donald J. Trump Public Figure’s Facebook page is to become convinced Bill Clinton is sitting on a beach somewhere writing them.

289. Trump’s not so crazy about this lady pageant going on over in Saudi Arabia without a swimsuit segment and live interview with each of the contestants.

288. Anyone who doesn’t recognize in Trump the sublime terror accompanying a transcendent nation on the wane should go back to running for office and/or watching football.

287. Dallas sucks so bad as America’s Team that Trump has started wearing a cowboy hat.

286. A lit bit of a maniac ain’t maniac enough for America, Trump, referring to rival Cruz he fears ascending, rallies supporters in Cedar Rapids.

285. Let he who hates government and those it is there to keep from killing each other and becoming cannibals the most seek to lead it like a failed casino named after some tacky Indian mausoleum in Atlantic City.

284. Trump says Santa Claus is a stone-cold loser unless CNN, MSNBC, and whoever else is doing it, doesn’t stop reporting on Ted Cruz gaining ground in Iowa.

283. Self-fascist test: Do you find yourself excited over what Vladimir Putin is doing in Syria every time Trump tweets another insult at a celebrity.

282. When the going gets Totalitarian, the weird Trump pro.

281. To the point that it’s starting to cost the organization wins and possibly adversely impact their ability to maintain home court advantage throughout the playoffs, Bleacher Report just released a long piece illustrating how Cavalier Lebron James has been obsessively forcing his coaches and teammates to analyze every second of the Trump campaign on film to adapt any plays they can run for him to reclaim the title of NBA God King, if not Golden Child, from Warrior Steph Curry.

280. Demagogues get time-and-a-half on Sunday.

279. Trump commends Union Stater Jake Tapper for his commitment to safety over a bowl of breakfast cereal and predicts he will have a long and successful television career.

278. When a young Frank Lucas opened Oscar snubbed AMERICAN GANGSTER by lighting some mope on fire in Harlem for his mentor Bumpy Johnson little could he have imagined that one day a half-black man born in Hawaii, among other places, would become President and the Hitler-emulating son of well known Klansman and New York slumlord Fred Trump would threaten to succeed him.

277. Trump is a self-driving vehicle that Trump is driving.

276. In a perfect dystopian White House occupied by Trump world, Florida Countess Katherine Harris and Alaska’s Never Spare a Turkey on Thanksgiving Sarah Palin would wrestle each other to the death upstairs in the cigar parlor like Mandingo fighters from a much maligned but fuck you if you say otherwise American masterpiece written and directed by Quentin Tarantino.

275. Interim Head Coach of The Golden State Warriors, former NBA player, and son of an even better former NBA player, Luke Walton, receives a private message in his twitter box on a tired chartered flight home from Milwaukee informing him that he is, in fact, a loser from Trump.

274. Just saw an urgent tweet from Trump saying he killed a man in 12 seconds back in high school.

273. Barron Trump asks older brother Eric, after spending all day online, how come some people like a lot of soccer players and people like Beyoncé, and Bono, and people like that, they get to go by one name.

272. Trump informs supporters in Des Moines he has won The Heisman.

271. Everything inside of every cell inside Stuart Varney’s stinking talking corpse on television wishes it were being marched into Trump’s instead like that weird green blob pulled along by that even stranger orange stringy thing everyone appears so fascinated with while the world is engulfed by a controlled media burn that’s jumped the border.

270. At Trump’s signal, Unleash Hell.

269. Jesus, after evangelical voters bitch slapped a popularly elected President Trump in their own face, would not be allowed through customs or anywhere near the plane parked at its original boarding place.

268. Trump will have no more references to Frank Sinatra turning 100 even though he’s already dead tearing into his free media or there will be even more hell than we’re already witnessing to pay.

267. To Trump evil one must allow streams of consciousness to pour forth fueled by four-hundred-and-forty-four-dollar-per-pound oolong tea to become evil.

286. hate trumps hate.

265. A person of interest detained and questioned today in relation to the fire-bombing of a California mosque refused to speak to authorities without counsel present other than to say he would absolutely kill to fuck Ivanka Trump if things were a little different, like her father.

264. Trump is rabbit hole played backwards.

263. As part of his popular new policy on protecting Americans from Muslims, Mexicans, Mexican Muslims, etc; Trump, along with some of his strongest critics, is proposing Americans who support this policy not leave America.

262. World leaders ultimately fail each other and the world by failing to flush Trump down the toilet as part of the Paris Climate Deal.

261. All quiet on the College Football Playoff (CFP) front this weekend so we will be bringing you Republican Fascist Playoff (RFP) coverage instead, where it looks like Ted Cruz could peak at just the right time and prove to be The Ohio State University of last year if Trump doesn’t succeed in inciting anarchy and racial violence by running his rodeo clown offense to do a degree strong enough to impress the selection committee, being voters of a certain viewing demographic sitting on the couch with nothing much to watch and yell at today besides that boring old Army v. Navy game nobody cares about of rivalries past.




259. There is a Trump – so utter –
It swallows substance up –
Then covers the Abyss with Trance –
So Memory can step
Around – across – upon it –
As One within a Swoon –
Goes safely – where an open eye –
Would drop Him – Bone by Bone –

258. Stanley Milgram is suing Trump and Fox News from the grave for stealing his work.

257. George Clooney just reiterated to Christopher Plummer, in re-watching the greatest film about the current GOP primary of this or any lifetime, that if Trump wins the Iowa caucuses or that even less relevant shit to the rest of the country in New Hampshire, whichever comes first, or both, that Beirut Rules will not just be in effect, they will remain in effect until further notice.

256. Over there at the NFL, not so far across town from TRUMP TOWER, they are praising Roger Goodell inside headquarters as nothing short of Darth Vader for tricking the old New Jersey Generals owner into running for president and sucking every ounce of energy and rage out of anyone’s skull who might be interested in getting upset over Will Smith’s new movie that hits theaters on Christmas Day.

255. You can be almost certain it’s time to pull those bullet-proof grade-schooler blankets you’ve seen making the rounds around here out of the locker when Camille Paglia calling the pop-star flavor of whatever month we’re in an obnoxious Nazi Barbie is merely a blip on the newsfeed Nazi scale.

254. Trump pays billionaire Saudi princes 7-figure weekly stipends to keep attacking him publicly and calling for him to drop out of the U.S. Presidential race.

253. For Facebook buriers of head in the sand, Trump would have you answer the rather horrifying question quietly to yourself of do you think the average 6-pack (beer and neither red wine nor abs) American is better educated, more intelligent and politically aware of happenings in the backyard or any locales beyond it than his or her French equivalent.

252. Hatred of Obama, however justified, equating to a primary vote or FB high-five for Trump is like that time in first grade when you got mad at your teacher for pissing your pants because you thought you could hold it until lunch but then realized the world, let alone your own body, doesn’t always do exactly what you want it to and when.

251. If the Celtics win, Trump wins.

250. What’s Trump building in there?

249. From One New England Police Benevolent Association Endorsement, A Rabid Militia Of Insane Citizens Armed To The Gums With Automatic Weapons And Homemade Bombs Where Their Teeth Used To Be Can Grow.

248. The only thing to be brokered is your lives, Trump threatens despondent rich people who prefer their guests stay seated until coffee and dessert are served.

247. GOP Blowback.

246. Republican Party Chairman Reince Priebus is requesting all Americans forget every educational movie they ever saw in high school history class about The Holocaust or anything else having to do with World War II.

245. Dr. Ben Carson is getting a little too excitable about also exiting the party if things don’t swing his way, according to Trump, who tweets he should probably just remain inside the big house tent where he will sell more books to white folk the next time he fires up the bus with his portrait (adding Jesus Christ over his shoulder, of course) on both sides of it four years from now.

244. Trump’s circle of trust is a rectangle.

243. If cult-leader and prolific fantasy writer Carl Jung were alive today, he would be an early apologist for Trump.

242. It is every American’s Jesus-dismissing duty to despise Trump and publicly mock, belittle and relentlessly fuck with anyone on Facebook who believes otherwise.

241. NBC Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent Andrea Mitchell is reporting she is starting to hear talk of white trash infighting between Trump campaign volunteers throughout the South and longtime followers of former Louisiana State Representative David Ernest Duke who feel they are not getting enough credit for Trump’s rise in the national polls.

240. Trump’s favorite live-action scene from a feature film before CGI pretty much ruined everything is when Rudy and the gang shot up their competitor’s car lot across the street live on television while jamming a Presidential address delivered by Jimmy Carter in the 1980 comedy USED CARS starring Kurt Russell and directed by Robert Zemeckis.

239. For the first and perhaps last time in your adult life, please listen briefly to Charles Barkley.

238. While Trump has yet to form a solid opinion on the apparent split between Roger Federer and sort of celebrity coach of the last two years, Stefan Edberg, he would like to make clear to fans of the sport that he has more money and less class than the two of them combined and multiplied by a factor of ten.

237. Potential Trump voters prefer LOL to just jerking off.

236. Trump dismisses backtalk by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar as just jive from another self-hating Laker tired of living under the tyranny of Kobe Bryant’s obscene, season-destroying retirement party.

235. The only person Trump fears right now is Carrie Fisher.

234. If elected, Trump promises to amend the constitution to allow three votes for every person loyal to a favorite NASCAR driver and all of their sponsors.

233. Trump-hating Hollywood Trump-haters against Trump.

232. Trump is fine with religious voters homeschooling their children through the primary grades, he tells Franklin Graham while trashing Muslims together, as long as they stop there.

231. The sound of one hand clapping for Trump because the other hand is trying to hold on to a fully loaded assault weapon bought legally at Walmart and feed the baby a bottle of powdered formula made from antibiotic infected cow’s milk at the same time.

230. Trump the swamp.

229. Woo Trump Klan.

228. Ann Coulter asks Trump if she can man her own camp.

227. At least Boris Yeltsin drank vodka for breakfast.

226. Invite friends to hate with this page.

225. In a potential game-changer, George Pataki is suggesting Trump should tone it down.

224. Calibate.

223. Trump reshuffles his public schedule on twitter after Israel bans all Third Reich-reinacting assholes from entering the country.

222. If we don’t stop ISIL at the border now, Trump tells white oil field workers in El Paso, Texas, Jews will raise movie ticket prices and ATM fees from all leading banks will be doubled by the end of the year.

221. Minding THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION, LLC while his father is busy hell-bending and limiting its future prospects, Donald, Jr. quietly breaks ground on a giant Muslim water slide and modern witch burning park just outside Salem, Massachusetts.

220. Anonymous concedes Trump is too stupid to stop.

219. Retarded Trump supporters draw parallels between President Carter prohibiting Iranians from entering the country during the hostage crisis and their candidate calling for a ban on all believers in one of the four major religions in the world.

218. I am signing copies of my book CRIPPLED AMERICA, Trump alerts Facebook likes, which makes a great holiday gift and if you order yours now I will include not one but TWO copies of my new horror short MUSLIMS GONE WILD at no additional charge.

217. For one million dollars Sir Elton John will sing at Trump Presidential Inauguration on Friday, January 20, 2017.

216. If a tree falls in the forest, Trump.

215. A Def political ear if there ever was one, Trump informs rags-too-rich-for-his-own-good friend turned critic Russell Simmons there is not one person on the planet intending to vote Trump who has ever heard of him.

214. Faster Pussycat Antonin Scalia rules Trump will finally be allowed into his weekly poker game.

213. Ain’t no party like a Trump third party cuz a narcissistic maniac with money and bitch media don’t stop.

212. No Gun-Carrying Child Of A Christian Apocalyptic Lunatic Or American Trump Lover Even More Terrifying Left Behind.

211. Trump asks daughter Liz how many extra wives she and Dick Cheney keep in his secure location.

210. Die-hard The Apprentice viewers are burning anything they can find from Cat Stevens on vinyl in New Hampshire.

209. Trump is a warrior for the rabies.

208. Reminding Tom Brokaw he’s made a healthy book career off America winning WWII, Trump tweets to keep your internment trap shut and to the victor goes the hipster ramen.

207. The eagle has landed and shit all over Trump’s Nazi fucking desk.

206. Herr Crazy like a FOX.

205. At least she’s German, and white, Trump tweets @TIME.

204. America takes Trump bowling.

203. Clever Trump staffers redirect all political sewage pipes upon themselves.

202. Love trumps hate, excluding, of course, the media’s crystalline hatred and contempt for every eye-socket in America that pays its bills.

201. Trump-Is-A-Bucket-of-Shit-Challenge.

200. GOP Pledge This.

199. Trump slams Bob Dole as Nixon’s dirty bitch from Kansas who should go back to bandcamp with John McCain.

198. Bruised by reports that Ted Cruz is gaining in popularity and actually far more dangerous to the Republic than he is, Trump agrees to be fucked by Miley Cyrus and her strap-on in a live pay-per-view to remain at the center of everyone’s attention.

197. Intrigued by the Nevada Assemblywoman and her seditious family’s arms race on their annual Christmas card, Trump tells advisors he’d steal the idea outright if he wasn’t certain one of his own kids would kill him in a similar fashion to what Clint Eastwood failed to show happen at the end of AMERICAN SNIPER.

196. Trump to announce Rupert Murdoch in charge of train schedule.

195. The Hitler comparisons don’t bother me at all, Trump tells CNN tough guy Wolf Blitzer, because, if given room and the right situation, I have complete confidence in my abilities to surpass him.

194. I am not your real enemy, Trump assures a country starting to sense the joke is over, I only play with one far worse on TV.

193. Trump publicly accuses the entire Cleveland Browns organization of subjecting America to a national horror show even more terrifying than his by inserting Johnny Football back into the starting lineup against San Francisco this Sunday.

192. Celebritist shrink, ego-fascist and golfing partner Dr. Phil accuses his pal Trump of cheating him on his own course only to be counseled that everything bad that happens to everyone everywhere is either a Mexican rapist or the relative of a dead Muslim terrorist’s fault.

191. Republicans would be presently better off suffocating themselves in bed with that g-string-fatso-dancer and crack-smoking former Mayor of Toronto.

190. Trump hires Jersey Muslims to cheer Dick Cheney to death.

189. Trump responds to a passage from Sinclair Lewis read at him by Matt Lauer by asking if this portion of the morning’s broadcast is being sponsored by hotels.com or did he dig that up all by himself.

188. Teased at school over his diamond-studded lunchbox, among other recent issues, inquisitive nine-year-old Barron Trump asks his father via text what exactly his teacher meant by pariah.

187. ESPN is reporting Trump has signed a lifetime deal with his own dick in his mouth.

186. Muslim-banning today, threats of Dennis Miller returning to Monday Night Football tomorrow.

185. First they came to clean the carpets, Trump jokes with fans who might actually cast a vote for the first time in their hopeless, pathetic lives in South Carolina, and I shot them along with their families.

184. Trump threatens to wall-off Bill Clinton’s cock if he doesn’t cigar down and keep his tongue out of the 2016 Republican Presidential Primary.

183. Trump picks a twitter fight with Joaquin Phoenix by stating that if he simply would have killed Russell Crowe a lot sooner into Ridely Scott’s Oscar-sweeping historical skirt and sandals epic, GLADIATOR (2000), his career would have taken a much different turn for the better and America would not be in the emasculated mess we’re in.

182. If Obama’s a pussy then Trump is a fucking cunt.

181. Sinead O’Connor happy and status updating again is a welcome sanity-counter to Trump.

180. Trump teaches media there is no shark, only tanks.

179. Any male, transgender included, caught wearing a scarf on his head in Trump America that is not an obvious bandage or medically prescribed device shall be interned in camps and housed naked while Aerosmith videos are played around the clock until death.

178. Blow up Ellis Island to stop illegal immigration and make room for riverboat gambling, Trump tells former Bobby JIndel supporters at a brief campaign stop in Baton Rouge.

177. Though not entirely clear on Metta World Peace, Trump stands by his earlier statement.

176. What’s happening all aboard the SS Rush Limbaugh this afternoon is that listeners are calling in to thank Trump for his strong resolve to protect them from a mixed-race President who doesn’t believe in rounding up and killing the innocent family members of anyone who has ever insulted America.

175. Trump that trick.

174. Well into the 67th hour, Sting is forced to cut a fairly standard tantric session with wife Trudie a few days short to file an emergency cease and desist letter upon receiving a text from friend, editor and another senior sex advocate, Arianna Huffington, alerting him to the fact that Trump has started playing The Police classic KING OF PAIN during a campaign swing through Florida.

173. To pay back some of the $150+ million Jeb! has squandered on his family-crested invisibility cloak, Trump asks his fellow candidate if he would ever consider leasing it out to spy on chicks naked.

172. A loss to the Houston Texans next Sunday, equaling three-in-a-row, and Trump will no longer accept loser Tom Brady fondling his balls in public.

171. Right now Trump would like everyone to know that one of his sons just shot a Snow Leopard illegally in another country and there’s not a fucking thing Obama can do about it.

170. At the end of the day, Trump repeats while pulling a Full Ginsberg of Sunday morning talk shows, Syed Rizwan Farook’s biggest crime by his measure was falling prey to such a third rate honey trap.

169. Trump demands immediate joint US, French and Russian airstrikes against Dr. Rand Paul for an amateur self-perm and being the son of a rambling coot.

168. Trump tells Terry Bradshaw during a live phone-in that officiating in the National Football League (NFL) this season has been worse than Sharia law.

167. Trump asks Beijing officials who farted?

166. Trump tweets Jews a Happy Hanukkah by saying Muslims are winning the war on Christmas.

165. Professor Jerry Falwell, Jr. tells former students of the fraudulent Trump University the only way to get their tuition back is with a couple of long guns and a black SUV.

164. As a matter of national concern, Trump asks former President Carter to publicly release all medial records indicating he is now cancer free and Obama is not an American by birth.

163. On This Week with George Stephanopoulos, this week George Stephanopoulos slips Trump a preemptive bruh shake under the table right before Trump asks Cokie Roberts why if the very same George Will seated next to her is, in fact, a eunuch like Varys, otherwise known as The Spider, which is what everyone in Washington says, does he not just lose the wig and carry an extra fifty to hundred pounds around the midsection.

162. Sensing some of the polls could stop ringing in support of his round the clock telethon of poor taste without constantly lowering the bar, Trump reaches out to Dr. Walter Palmer for a live guest appearance to get him safely through the Jewish Holidays and on to the next public shoot-em-up certain to occur by Christmas.

161. Future terrorist attacks like the horrendous events that took place in Paris on 13 November can be avoided, Trump insists to multi-network floozy Christiane Amanpour, by allowing Muslim-loving Europe to fuck-off and ignoring the rest of the world altogether.

160. After a few days without much fresh carnage, automatic gunfire or S.W.A.T. trucks policing streets on television, Trump encourages fans to re-watch Robert De Niiro and Al Pacino face off in HEAT on VOD to at once relax and keep their fanatical dander up.

159. In a Fuhrerious new twist on an old Cold War show tune, Trump outlines his new policy of Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD) as applied to arming every single person in The United States 10,000 times over the capacity required to kill friends, family, neighbors, co-workers and anyone else who could conceivably knock over their beer mug by accident.

158. A publicist for HEART just announced Trump has offered the band a one-time appearance fee of $5 million to cover all four sides of Physical Graffiti live on FOX tomorrow night during President Obama’s Oval Office address concerning how to keep the American people safe from terrorism.

157. Trump instructs attorneys to set up an offshore escrow account to put Jeremiah Wright’s grandchildren through college in exchange for daily attacks from the Reverend extending all the way up to and through the general election, if necessary.

156. Local morons bused in to chant Red Dawn! Red Dawn! at a Trump-sponsored Private Armored Tank Rights Rally in Southern Illinois were met with wild fist pumps from the candidate himself who grabbed the keys from one of the war vehicles parked on stage, raised them high above his head like an actor revered for his butchery of Moses, and signaled at one of his longtime assistants with the angry blink of an eye to go find his fucking driver.

155. Me talk shitty all day.

154. Trump likes this lawyer for dead San Bernardino killers Bonnie Burkha & Clyde a lot in orchestrating his own campaign based on crazy and chaos are contagious.

153. His ear increasingly dialed into political winds, Trump joins rival Dr. Ben Carson’s call for citizens to gear up and attack any Whole Foods they can find this Sunday for their failure to remove Hamas from store shelves and especially prepared food bars overcharging Americans by the ounce.

152. Trump calls the celebrity burglarized Simon Cowell a foreign idiot for not having at least 12 pipe bombs in his house to protect his 4 Teen Choice Awards and his family.

151. Fake blood and rubber chairs are welcome, but all protesters being cast for upcoming campaign events should be advised that anyone attempting to disrupt Mr. Trump’s toupée by flying at him off the top rope will die in a round of automatic weapons fire before ever hitting the mat.

150. Trump would like all white working-class males looking for a job between the ages of 30 to 65 to know that O.J. Simpson can still be executed retroactively for the killings of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman should he be elected President.

149. For voters presenting a breast or other body part for the candidate to sign, the Trump campaign kindly requests that all clothing and jewelry be removed to make time for others patiently waiting in line.

148. Sipping on a strong morning blend of shared madness on the same day of the San Bernardino Gun Show in Southern California, Trump and Alex Jones of INFOWARS radio fame debated the finer points of whether or not a person named Sandy Hook ever actually landed a manned space capsule on the moon or if it was all just shot in a government building somewhere to make it look like it happened on TV.

147. Trump would like to painfully remind American media and political elites who loathe him almost as much as the gun-loving losers a few may have gone to high school with that they are the only ones still reading The New York Times and sending editorials to each other in a world now governed by Instagram and TMZ.

146. Trump tells the Wharton class of 2016 Jeb! is the inbred political bitch logo to Lamar! with 100 times the burn rate and not even a red flannel shirt to show for it.

145. In responding to friends and even some in his own family concerned that his rhetoric has taken an alarming turn toward all things racist, belligerent, nationalistic and insane; Trump explains that trolling the American Id in search of votes does not produce an original score made up of recent U2 and elevator music.

144. Trump is a Republican pre-crime.

143. Senator Marco Rubio, according to a sympathetic Trump tweet, is being unfairly rumored to death for having a girlfriend, though hardly a bombshell in his professional opinion

142. Trump pauses for a rare moment of personal silence upon learning Frank Lopez of Lopez Motors in Miami, Florida, where he bought his first gold Mercedes Benz, is officially dead.

141. Trump tells CNN’s Jake Tapper on The Lead he supports opening all military combat roles servicing military men in combat to women.

140. Let the Feline Leukemia Virus (FeLV) infect Trump for sharing a bowl of gun nip with Ted Nugent.

139. Long Day’s Journey Into Nightcrawler.

138. Trump promises voters in New Hampshire a chicken in every Crock-Pot® and a helicopter flying over your home.

137. Agreeing that ISIL is everywhere and ISIL is evil, Trump reminds FOX Strongman Sean Hannity that’s no reason not to also blame San Bernardino on the pussy.

136. Trump cites short-order cook turned coke-faced killer Tony Montana as an object lesson in why no one without an E1 Visa can ever be let into the country.

135. Reuters now reporting that Trump pledged allegiance to The Golden Calf online.

134. Tapping his wingnuts and clearing his throat, Trump paraphrases another Dead vocalist in belting out – A friend of Wayne LaPierre is a friend of mine – when asked about terrorism as a possible motive for all things NRA.

133. According to new Trump National Campaign Spokeswoman Katrina Pierson, just because the leading candidate for President of the United States of America representing one of the country’s two major political parties was once involved in a labor dispute with cheerleaders under his employ claiming to have been treated like hookers off the football field doesn’t necessarily make said candidate such a bad guy.

132. Art of the Dealer Trump puts his place in Palm Beach on the table if frenemy Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi will do something about The New York Daily News.

131. Trump Walker wants his wall built now so he can terrorize us beyond it.

130. P90X® Speaker of the House Paul Ryan advises party colleagues to distance themselves from the Presidential primary race until things shake out, to which Trump replies he has clairvoyant powers already indicating he will be King.

129. Trump would ban all service dogs in favor of bullying those with any form of mental or physical disability.

128. Trump tweets at Myopic Blunderer Dick Cheney to never go full marble when the measure of a real national disgrace is the neo-fascist who immortalizes himself in gold.

127. Gutterfly Trump flaps his wings by insulting Jews in Washington.

126. Trump challenges former Pennsylvania Senator and googlewhack job Rick Santorum to a same-sex discrimination contest.

125. Trump opposes GoPro except in cases of rape, incest and the life of the mother.

124. In a candid interview with Tricycle magazine, Lana Wachowski explains how lately she has been suffering from evil lucid dreams of Trump playing himself in every single role of her epic cinematic adaptation of David Mitchell’s CLOUD ATLAS.

123. The next 100 people who like Trump on Facebook get a private BearCat ride around the Iowa State Fairgrounds and their picture taken with the candidate.

122. If held by an ISIL Sleeper Cell and forced to choose, Trump tells Sirius Satellite’s Howard Stern he would log in to Black People Meet or Cougarlife long before ever hooking up with any of those trolls on Christian Mingle.

121. As news seeps out surrounding the identities of two dead shooters and a surviving suspect in the paramilitary-style assault on a San Bernardino office party, now in custody, Trump tosses and turns all night over whether to lead with the inherent evil of Devout Muslim or Department of Public Health Hotel and Restaurant Inspector on twitter first thing in the morning.

120. Trump is the sound of a diabetic Superpower pouring sugar down its throat.

119. May wicked men with microphones falter on dead ears.

118. Taking the high road, Trump tells Republican supporters in South Carolina he will not trade insults or traffic in hateful primary squabbles with a well known chickenhawk homosexual like the closeted successor to their beloved Strom Thurmond, Senator Lyndsey Graham.

117. NIKE notwithstanding, Trump proposes turning the economically irrelevant state of Oregon into a water-mining/hipster penal colony to help solve the drought crisis in California.

116. 99 percent of Facebook stock is the price you pay for not marrying a parade of trashy white grils in serial attempts to clone yourself, Trump says during a Special Report on the subject with FOX Chief Investor-class Starfucker Neil Cavuto.

115. Trump Niño.

114. CNN Founder Ted Turner counters with $5 billion and his Flying D Buffalo Ranch for Trump to disappear forever from public life.

113. Trump is a Manchurian Trump.

112. In a rare display of public compassion, Trump signals he would support the citizens of Cleveland, Ohio were they to collectively turn on its professional football team and burn FirstEnergy Stadium to the ground.

111. Asked today about climate talks taking place in Paris, Trump summed up his lack of interest in the matter by suggesting media darling Elon Musk must have a dick the size and strength of a stick of gum.

110. Trump phones into alienist Art Bell’s Midnight in the Desert radio show to share twitter intelligence he’s obtained of Muslims still shouting down The Twin Towers on Mars.

109. Trump calls on President Obama to declare an immediate State of Emergency over the non-body-shaming nude portraits Amy Schumer just posted on Instagram.

108. In the spirit of Cyber Monday, Trump asks Siri to order him up a private army of disgruntled engineers from Election Systems & Software, a not-so-distant corporate cousin to the maker of Diebold voting machines.

107. Because Black Pastors are taking jobs away from hard-working Americans in rural Wisconsin, Trump tells FBN’s Maria Bartiroma as the reason he rejected their political endorsement.

106. Employer payroll taxes are a leftist plot to let Mexican rapists into the country, Trump rallies supporters at an event celebrating small business owners in Sarasota, Florida.

105. Trump congratulates Kobe Bryant for not referencing anybody but himself in his pending retirement poem, Dear Basketball.

104. Echoing transgender apocolyptist Ted Cruz on Planned Parenthood troublemaker Robert Lewis Dear, Trump wonders aloud to a packed auditorium if maybe suffering from a rather soft-sounding salutation for a last name might just explain an inability to control oneself.

103. Trump is Lucifer’s silver linings playbook.

102. An entertainer at heart, Trump tosses a free shout-out to Miley Cyrus to stop wasting her talent and start fucking people live on stage.

101. Owner of every record ever recorded for worst predictor of world events in human history, political crackpipe William Kriistol ensures a Trump takeover of America by arguing against it in favor of Dick Cheney.

100. Trump let the dogs of doom out.

99. Trump huddles with the same irrelevant offspring of famed Mafiosa figures publicly vowing to protect New York against ISIL attacks to see if there’s something they can do on a quieter scale in the meantime against NBC’s Chuck Todd.

98. Ever mindful of the Stormfront to his right, Trump cautions Carly Fiorina not to outflank him on hateful abortion rhetoric by being just another face.

97. Trump warns Sinead O’Connor against posting suicide notes in public to avoid distracting attention away from his destroying a major American political party from within.

96. Trump reminds tennis star Andy Murray This Is My Island after returning the Davis Cup to Great Britain for the first time since before the Luftschlacht um England during The Second World War.

95. Trump rolls one wide into the right gutter to kick-off a campaign Bowling for Columbine stop to raise awareness for victims of gun registration laws hosted by Kid Rock.

94. Trump orders Amazon drone-delivery strikes against the New Hampshire Union Leader for endorsing Sopranos wannabe Chris Christie.

93. Despite a dismal first season in full autocratic control of his team, both on and off the field, Trump calls for close friend Chip Kelly to stay the course of slowly ridding the city of Philadelphia of all racial minorities.

92. Trump tweets at often tender Times Columnist David Brooks that his biggest fear in life is not what Trump supporters make of him as a journalistic wet blanket, but as a man.

91. Trump encourages far right supporters not to throw the baby parts out with the Pure Rocky Mountain Spring Water.

90. Fascism is never having to say domestic terrorist.

89. Trump is a T-1000 fueled by gold.

88. Trump promises a broken-hearted Tim Tebow he can remain a virgin in the afterlife by blowing himself up live on television at the next GOP primary debate should party officials move to censor him.

87. In follow-up comments on Colorado Springs to his repugnant remarks from the day before, Trump openly asks the question why would any white man in his right mind color his hair while letting a full beard go gray.

86. During a sit-down with the notoriously self-involved film critic Elvis Mitchell, brothers Joel and Ethan Coen had trouble explaining how if Trump didn’t already exist they would have had to invent him.

85. Trump says Saturday Markets are the Devil’s work that require carpet bombing everywhere west of The Hudson River.

84. Trump opens a Pandora’s box of asshole science by asking on again/off again political adviser and perverse Nixonite Roger Stone if Karl Rove can be converted to the dark side.

83. Trump congratulates fellow Prime-Time Douche Trolley Deion Sanders on his legal victory and for despising women as much as he does.

82. If Urban Meyer can’t get control of his team and beat a bad pair of Khakis in his own backyard today, Trump tells ESPN know-it-all Kirk Herbstreit he supports calls by some Buckeye fans for burning him alive in an iron cage.

81. Commending him for not reverting back to his former levels of gross obesity while Governor of Arkansas, Trump asks Mike Huckabee if he ever bumps into Jared Fogle lounging around the kids’ table.

80. Given time, say a few more seasons to grow hair on his balls and temper an adolescent lust for blood, Trump is certain King Joffrey would have turned out just fine and fulfilled his destiny of gutting the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA).

79. UNBROKEN remains movie buff Trump’s favorite critical failure of 2014, which he still tells two-headed friend Brangelina would have been a lock for Best Picture if not for The Bird’s moment of weakness at the end.

78. A Presbyterian by birth, Trump told The 700 Club’s Pat Robertson on Friday he believes absolutely in God’s plan for all men, which helps explain how he lost model Carla Bruni to Nicolas Sarkozy in a coin toss.

77. Trump Knievel.

76. Ask not if the Colorado Springs shooter is not Muslim, Trump unloads on lazy campaign advisers, ask what I can say so awful about the victims to keep the national focus on me.

75. Cowboy Tony Romo failed to deliver 7 wins in a row to make the playoffs, as promised via tweet, after another season-ending shoulder injury on Wednesday, prompting Trump to inquire into public execution rights from Team-owner and equally repulsive twitter follower Jerry Jones.

74. Trump assures everyone his high tower is safe to shop and dine in being a blend of Japanese and German fascist state designs.

73. Trump testifies before a House Sub-committee on entitlement reform he has no problem with programs like Planned Parenthood or New York’s Head Start relative to his own Jackboot straps.

72. Trump says some of Black Friday’s consumer violence could be avoided by being white, filthy and rich.

71. Securing his position as Public Enemy #1, Trump tweets the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) never meant shit to me @MrChuck D.

70. Trump believes fellow race-baiter Spike Lee may be onto something in calling for women to boycott sex on campus, certainly not by crossing their legs but by letting men dictate what they do with their bodies in general.

69. Uninspired by year’s past, Trump proposes the Superbowl Half-Time Show to end all shows by wheeling Peyton Manning to the center of Levi’s Stadium, pitching a tent, and putting him down like a broken racehorse before attempting to return next season.

68. Ivanka Trump consolidates power over her father’s campaign by telling Cosmopolitan he has a perfectly shaped cock.

67. After pissing in a red Salvation Army bucket at the the corner of 5th Avenue and 49th Street, Trump calls Bill and Melinda Gates communists trapped in a sexless marriage for giving away so much money to worthy causes.

66. Trump alienates all members of the last remaining minority group that could conceivably support him by asking Marco Rubio if he got that scar on his face from eating pussy.

65. Trump believes ISIL could be eradicated in a single growing season if Obama would stop blocking fatal products available from Monsanto to be used by America-trained Kurdish fighters in the region.

64. Trump wishes all Americans happy bargain hunting while belittling them as lemmings behind their backs as they kick off their annual self-immolating orgy of consumption, debt acceleration and despair.

63. As the clock strikes Midnight, EST, Trump officially rings in Black Friday by reminding the sea of GOP operatives finally lining up against him that B-actor Ronald Reagan was widely recognized as bat shit long before he ever became president and Jesse The Body Ventura will carry the honorific title of Governor to his grave.

62. CNN’s Anderson Cooper instantly grows a pair during a holiday terrorism segment after Trump says something outrageous about no longer letting any men with beards pass into the country by telling him he’s sounding more like President Snow by the minute, to which Trump mockingly replies I wouldn’t even fuck Katniss Everdeen with your dick.

61. May America’s turd choke on his bird.

60. In a hastily arranged photo-op to pass out turkeys and cash for Thanksgiving in the middle of the night and pacify some within his own party concerned over recent rough house at his campaign events, Trump tells inner-city youth at The Boys’ Club of New York the mind is a terrible thing not to waste on dollar slots and dice at Trump Taj Mahal a mere two-hour bus ride away in Atlantic City.

59. While he does admire sparring partner Stephen A. Smith for his ability to sound like he’s saying something meaningful in uttering sheer nonsense out of his ass, Trump sides with resident ESPN white supremacist Skip Bayless a majority of the time.

58. Fearing he may follow in his father’s footsteps, an enterprising Barron Trump, age 9, builds himself into a golden clock in a failed attempt to be purchased by any oil rich oligarchy looking for novel ways to stick it to America.

57. A hooker Trump hired to chip golfballs off the small of his back while deciding whether or not to mount a serious presidential run has come forward with news he is a deformed beast naked that bears a striking resemblance to Immortan Joe from the Mad Max remake Fury Road starring Tom Hardy in the title role originally made famous by Mel Gibson.

56. When told Salt Lake City had elected its its first lesbian Mayor, Jackie Biskupski, Trump jerked himself off silly over imagery of girl-on-girl action and the prospect of a new source of domestic evil should the Muslim thing not play out.

55. Trump applauds famed restaurateur Danny Meyer for being one of the first to do away with tipping as a way of covering his own ass ahead of the coming minimum wage hikes and encourages him to torture or report to the INS any current employees who disagree with him.

54. Asked to comment on the rash of serious injuries sweeping the NFL this season, Trump says, while an interesting pattern compared to past years, we should show them no mercy based on their bloated player salaries and the fact that advertisers spend billions of dollars for us watch them die prematurely.

53. The only problem Trump has with the Washington Redskins is that Dan Snyder refuses to sell the team, despite his best interests, making the dream of a Trump Redskins relocated to the west side of Manhattan a dream delayed, if not dead on arrival.

52. Trump argues with nobody in particular that the number of actual Indians killed during the first Thanksgiving pales in comparison to today’s white citizens being brutalized by the entirely fictional and non-existent knock-out game we no longer hear anything about.

51. Trump tells Variety he feels sorry for J.J. Abrams and everyone else involved in the Star Wars reboot, as it is hopelessly mistimed relative to his delivering widespread panic throughout the public during the second most important box office season of the year.

50. Trump calls Eagles of Death Metal directly to congratulate them on making news and promises plenty of more opportunities where that came from once he is elected President.

49. Overheard talking casually on the recent intra-family squabble surrounding the unreadable Jon Meacham biography of George Herbert Walker Bush, Trump dismissed it has nothing substantial relative to the current campaign but did add he always thought the whole thousand points of light thing was for fairies.

48. A little over three months after all the bruha has died down, female whistleblowers inside Fox News say it took a promise of bleeding Megyn Kelly to death by leeches at a later date to lure Trump back into the fold.

47. A disgusted Trump complains to advisors in private that Adele is an over-produced fat pig who is siphoning way too much oxygen off the top of his free media operation and should be destroyed.

46. In an interview with old softball partner Barbara Walters, Trump stated unequivocally from the couch that any attempts to broaden traditional definitions of gender based on pioneering new work in medicine and human genetics would require Orwellian surveillance of the entire United States population.

45. When asked if he is capable of making the trains run on time, Trump concedes, of course, he could if he wanted to but he wouldn’t be caught dead on a train because only losers get caught dead on trains.

44. Joking with beat reporters at an industry conference, Trump says failed rival and everyman Chris Christie carries around enough extra human flesh to heat the homes of a hundred gaming workers weathering hard times in Atlantic City through the holidays.

43. Trump, in an unusual moment of unabashed honesty, admits the only thing easier than stealing an ignorant American’s life savings inside a low-rent casino will be collecting enough of their votes to fuck them over even more starting with the Iowa Caucuses.

42. After a few awkward remarks designed to win over the skeptical audience, Trump cites the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Disaster as the finest example of creative destruction he has witnessed in his lifetime when asked by assembled members of The Business Roundtable to expound on how he personally sees capitalism continuing to lift all boats in a world increasingly pivoting toward Asia.

41. At a Waldorf charity event honoring tennis great Novak Djokovic on another incredible season, Trump heckles the world number one for speaking so many languages by saying he could purchase all of Serbia off interest alone.

40. After an inspired round with legendary golfer and fellow course-developer Jack Nicholas, Trump remains convinced bees are simply a pest that serve no useful purpose beyond making honey.

39. Whispers coming out of The Trump Campaign suggest explosive new documents have been obtained indicating Obama was born in Benghaz.

38. Concerned over a potential drop in the polls following Bill O’Reilly’s on-air comments he has never known his friend to be a racist, Trump orders supporters to pummel ten more men of color to be safe.

37. Turkey, according to Trump, is a stupid fucking name for any country so NATO should take no responsibility for whatever comes its way.

36. Trump warns fading box-office star Will Smith that any more talk of entering the political arena without his permission will be considered punishable by lash.

35. Trump tells Log Cabin Republicans they have nothing to fear from a Trump Administration so long as they crawl back under the cabin they came from.

34. Taunting all decent, god-fearing Republicans from safe inside his Fox News bunker, Trump assures the party he has tons more money than two-time loser Mitt Romney and not even Joseph Smith’s original underpants can save them now.

33. Trump asks his fans via twitter to take out Governor John Kasich of Ohio and loot the state for all its gold.

32. At a recent gathering of Hollywood assholes, Trump reminds actor Anthony Mackie that he is the one true Captain America.

31. Trump believes Trump’s children are our future.

30. Trump calls Vladimir Putin a fag for sending France a free dog.

29. Trump moves to energize his base by declaring the Heart cover of Stairway to Heaven is way better than the original.

28. Landing a blow in his money-can’t-buy-taste battle with Floyd Money Mayweather, Trump chides the boxer for coming to Ronda Rousey’s defense after her devastating loss down under by tweeting the mouthy bitch couldn’t punch her way out of a Bernie Sanders colostomy bag.

27. Rumors surface of a smartphone recording where Trump tells supporters at a private event that Dr. Ben Carson’s portrait of himself seated in front of Jesus hanging from the staircase leading to his bedroom demonstrates a sick thing for white guys with large hands that should disqualify him from the race.

26. Trump is synonymous with concussion protocol.

25. Trump calls Chicago stupid for over-focusing on deep-dish-style pizza so isn’t really surprised by recent events there.

24. Trump reassures white voters that, despite the night’s record setting performance, he remains their real Golden State Warrior.

23. A link shared supporting Trump is reverb for history to forgive you.

22. Caitlyn will revert to Bruce and Jenner jailed for lost ratings within The First 100 Days of Trump.

21. In a surprise move that’s left legal experts scratching their heads, sources confirm Trump has purchased the San Diego Chargers on behalf of Donald Sterling.

20. Trump’s full transparency and ongoing public dialog over wanting to fuck his own daughter should pardon him from any future questioning on other policy issues from the National Press Corps.

19. Trump believes the best offense is elimination.

18. In an exclusive interview with ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt to be aired tomorrow, Trump says Kobe Bryant is no longer useful to anyone as a shooting guard and should therefore be beaten to death inside Staples Center.

17. Adam Chandler is survived by his twin brother Stuart, who just made the tragic life choice of bone-clocking himself into Trump to remain on television.

16. Trump calls for beer-boarding of Johnny Football for being a fucking loser.

15. Former USFL official claims Trump wanted players to compete naked and without pads.

14. Trump repeats itself, at once tragedy and farce.

13. Adele’s raw mic cannot absolve SNL of coddling Trump.

12. Extremism in the flesh-eating wound fantasies involving Trump is no vice.

11. The enemies of Trump’s enemies can go fuck themselves.

10. New Jersey, or another neighboring state, could forever step out of New York’s shadow by shooting down any private aircraft carrying Trump.

9. Nobody needs Roland Barthes to make sense of big media milking itself full off the free man-tit ratings of Trump.

8. All animals are equal, but some animals should chew the entrails out of Trump.

7. Trump consistently tallies a perfect score on all three leading self-report measures of EI (Emotional Intelligence) for loving how stupid you are.

6. If Lance Armstrong loses yellow jerseys for running a winning dope show via U.S. mail and Pete Rose can’t buy a ticket to the hall of fame for losing a few bets, all of Tom Brady’s wins must be negated and wiped clean from history going all the way back to 2000, not for spaghetti-stringing his footballs, but his fondness for Trump.

5. Trump is a terrestrial chemtrail.

4. If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, perhaps one of his big-game hunting sons, either Donald Jr. or Eric, will kill Trump by accident.

3. Should you possess even the slightest hint of something positive to say about Trump as it pertains to the public sphere, please take a second to unfriend us here before killing yourself.

2. Cannot speak for thousands, but would certainly cheer if Trump fell in front of a Toro Groundsmaster 5910 on television and turned to mulch.

1. Whatever happened to that tunneling drug lord that promised to get rid of Trump?

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