Don’t you sort of secretly wish today belonged to Tom Delay? Hardly seems fair the way that old perv Denny Hastert kept the gavel out of The Hammer’s hand. Goddamn, Hastert. He actually used to coach this drag queen I know from the gym who wrestled way back whenever in high school. Said “Coach” was a fat fuck P.E. teacher who put mayo on everything he ate and called him a faggot once for following some oat bran diet in order to shit and make weight. The mayo thing is enough to make you retch, but no more so than this. Really, it’s hard not to. Look at him up there. The new Speaker’s trying not to cry buried beneath that tan under all that makeup. You can tell by the size of his Adam’s apple he is choking back the tears, trying to keep it together this time. I haven’t seen a man more torn up inside since Tony slipped in the office door and shot Frank to death back at Lopez Motors. What must The Hammer be thinking? Is he in jail yet, btw? Haven’t bothered to check, but John Boehner’s 15 minutes are hopelessly miscast.
I mean I look at him, this humble son of a barkeep and all that he keeps telling us of his modest beginnings, and I can’t help but be bitter over the way our system now works. I’ll take a bad man like The Hammer, major bad, a former exterminator for Christianity’s sake, sinister even, over Horatio Alger any day. This is America, is it not? Fifty stars and go fuck yourself if you think they just fell from the sky into our hands for being a nice guy. Still got me all in a funk the next morning, a country gone soft in the form of this lush from Ohio, but the gym doesn’t open for another hour to let off some steam. Plus John, my John, my spotter, probably won’t be there until 11. John works nights at some place called The Mayfly. Last time I tried to lift without John’s help, I dropped a bar on my chest and some trainer had to come running over from across the floor to save me. Tried to sign me up for ten sessions on the spot, said I wasn’t doing it right, but I let him know I usually work out with John, and John used to wrestle in high school.